Learn how to accept…gifts

Take the package in your hands. Smile. Unwrap the package. Exclaim, since we simply must be delighted. And immediately, for a tenth of a second, think about how we will be able to reciprocate. But why do we think about that, instead of revelling in the moment? “A present is part of a relationship of exchange, a relationship that prevails in the adult world. And this gift creates a debt that must be repaid, not being able to do so puts us at a disadvantage. All this, of course, is symbolic. A simple “thank you”, from the depths of the heart, can deliver this supposed debt. However, a gift without a return reverts to the child’s world, where little ones have no debts vis-à-vis their parents,” says psychoanalyst Gabrielle Rubin (1). As kids, we would leave our Christmas stockings under the tree without even asking ourselves if we should slip in a little souvenir for Santa. And there were gifts, it was better… especially since we did not have to return the courtesy.

Believe that you deserve it:

The case complicates itself as the years go by. Once we become adults, not only must we say thank you and provide, at least symbolically, a “return”, but we must display our pleasure at receiving it. But even if the present has been selected with care and accuracy, the need to do this may cause an inward cringe. Not only because it creates a connection with the giver, but also because it has to come back to us in the end. Is it really worth it?

“Amongst my patients, those suffering from a lack of self-esteem mostly say that they are very embarrassed to receive gifts,” says psychotherapist Sylvie Tenenbaum (2). They feel they do not deserve it. Others, who feel unloved, are persuaded to believe that they receive gifts only out of tradition.”

Forget about the faux pas

When receiving gifts, you have to have to expect some funny surprises – a piece of jewellery we would not be caught dead in for the world, a shawl, in that exact shade of green you particularly hate, a cheap perfume… and shouldn’t that gift just go in the trash? Again, nothing is that simple. All gifts exude a symbolic force, so it is difficult to discard pronto, even if we hate them. “There is a non-material dimension to be taken into account.

In Polynesian Maori cultures, it is believed that part of the soul of the donor is passed on through a gift, charging it with spiritual power that the holder continues to extinguish of debt by an equivalent offering,” says Gabrielle Rubin. One solution – often adopted without even thinking – is to forget that thing in the closet.

“And this time the burden is unloaded from the soul of the giver. Then, often, we give it to him,” says Sylvie Tenenbaum. One thing is certain: “Once the gift is offered, it is too late. If someone does not reciprocate at all, we must have the courage to speak and indicate our desires.

Those who choose to give gifts completely off the mark often have little empathy for the other. They buy what would make them happy instead of thinking about the recipient,” Gabrielle Rubin finds. People with those slightly vague friends could probably reciprocate with an equally calamitous object.

Deciphering messages :

When a loved offers us, every year, complex gadgets when we actually appreciate minimalist vibes in the household, we are entitled to ask ourselves some questions. Is this a roundabout way of saying “We’re tired of your health food, we want fries”? It would make even more sense to question the giver directly… besides discovering they do all their shopping in discount stores, we may even realise that pleasing us is just not at all a priority for them.
Regarding the knowledge of how to respond, it is useless to procrastinate – looking good is the best solution to morale and perspective. “We put a lot of expectation on gifts. If they are too petty, we may simply deduce that we are unloved, “says Sylvie Tenenbaum. But instead of suffering, why not laugh? She still remembers, as a young girl, being very shocked that her aunt had given her, in front of the whole family, a plastic toy found in packs of laundry for her birthday. The situation would have gone much better if she had enjoyed the ridiculousness of it…

Another problem, the super gift! Too expensive, too special… we would never have the means to do it ourselves. Donated by generous people, whose lifestyles match, these gifts might work. It may suffice to find a way to make the donor feel that there is exchange in terms of friendship or love. Words may suffice. But sometimes “a disproportionate gift can be used to display a supposed superiority that puts the other in a place where they are unable to return the favour,” says Gabrielle Rubin. Obliged to be obliged… Once again, the only answer – words.

1. Author of “Why we want it from the people who make us feel good” (Payot). 2. Author of “What our gifts (Leduc.s Editions) say” (Leduc.s Editions).

 

To continue reading our report on “Learning how to accept”:

Learn how to accept… compliments

Stéphanie Torre