{"id":339429,"date":"2015-06-09T08:50:35","date_gmt":"2015-06-09T00:50:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mariefranceasia.com\/uncategorized-hk\/men-and-friendships-339429.html"},"modified":"2015-06-09T08:50:35","modified_gmt":"2015-06-09T00:50:35","slug":"men-and-friendships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.mariefranceasia.com\/hk\/lifelove-hk\/decoding-hk\/men-and-friendships-339429.html","title":{"rendered":"How different are men with their friends?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"shutterstock_146371016-750x410\"<\/span><\/a><\/p>

On the issue of friendship,<\/a> like many\u00a0other things, the 'men are from Mars and women are from Venus<\/strong>' phrase is somewhat accurate. We talk about different things, we spend time differently, and the dynamics of the friendship are\u00a0distinct for each gender. \u00a0So are women<\/a> capable of understanding the male friendship, or do we plainly despise our husband's circle of friends?<\/p>

Work, sports and politics<\/strong><\/span> <\/h2>

Sometimes male friendships resemble IKEA furniture being assembled: it looks cool, it roughly looks what it should look like, but we still fall short of understanding it.\u00a0For director Marc Esposito, the theory is what\u00a0explains the success of his saga, Le C\u0153ur des Hommes<\/em>\u00a0(The Heart of Men)<\/em>. \"Women<\/a> have the feeling of entering the male psyche, with four characters\u00a0focused on their love problems. If I believe the facts, it appears that boys still talk about\u00a0work, sports or politics... \"<\/em><\/p>

Vanessa,\u00a041, concurs. \"When they are on the phone, my boyfriend and his best buddy talk about Federer and sports scores but they do not care about people in the neighbourhood.\"<\/em> It's the same case for Jeanne, 38, \"They have teenager\u00a0discussions. They talk about films they have seen and laugh like young boys.\"<\/em> But the phone isn't necessarily everyone's best friend. Claire, 42, says, \"I know a\u00a0very good friend tells him things about his marriage that I wouldn't feel comfortable telling my best friends.\"<\/em> Julie, 40, was surprised\u00a0to hear about someone else's married life via her husband's best friend. \"It's the kind of stuff I would prefer to keep\u00a0private.\"<\/em><\/p>

Reunion: once in a blue moon<\/strong><\/span> <\/h2>

Men are attached to the idea of an old fashioned\u00a0friendship, which is nurtured by biennial reunions and little else. \"His whole entourage\u00a0lives 500km from here,\"<\/em> says Jeanne. \"I know these are his ride-or-die friends and you're telling me it's a global affair just to tell each other\u00a0where they are in life...\u00a0For someone who calls her best friend three times a week, that is completely beyond me.\"<\/em> Similarly for\u00a0Vanessa, \"My guy has two very close friends, including a childhood one he considers his best friend. He lives near us but they see each other\u00a0once or twice a year.\"<\/em><\/p>

Anne Vincent-Buffault, author of Une Histoire de l\u2019amiti\u00e9 (A Story about Friendship),<\/em>\u00a0thinks it's possible for\u00a0chivalry friendship to last. Bernard Elyn, therapist and coach, connoisseur of masculine and feminine issues and co author of the Le\u00a0Grand Livre de la Gestalt (The Great Book of Gestalt), <\/em>says\u00a0\"we must pay attention to the zombie friendships: They are actually based on old loyalty, commonalities\u00a0like high school, the army or the first job in the same company. But sometimes it's just pretending that something was still alive while the relationship is long dead.\"<\/em> Jeanne certainly takes things differently, seeing how she replaces a picture with old friends in her agenda with pictures of friends she didn't merely share a class with\u00a0back in\u00a01989.\u00a0\"That\u00a0being said, I think his friends are a part of his life that he does not want to forget: his youth, his single life, there's a certain freedom in it all. I can understand that he does not want this part of him buried under his hat as the head of the family.\"<\/em><\/p>

Between the rituals and challenges<\/span> <\/h2>

However, men are also able to start anew. \"I find that with age, my husband gets tougher,\"<\/em>\u00a0says Claire, 42. Vanessa\u00a0was confused\u00a0when she heard her SO\u00a0announced he had cut ties\u00a0with the godfather of their daughter over a silly argument. According to Bernard Elyn, it is hardly surprising: \"Women seem to be more flexible in managing social relations. But for men, there has to be an\u00a0immediate intensity in friendly relations.\"<\/em><\/p>

This intensity is what gives colour to the friendship. Just hear Julie talk about her\u00a0spouse and his five high school friends, a group that reminds her of\u00a0Hangover. <\/em>Their sincere friendship involves\u00a0weekly evening football games and trips to music festivals. \"They\u00a0get drunk sometimes, especially on weekends, while I devote myself to the house, but I know he needs it. And very quickly he goes around for another good time with his friends.\"<\/em> As for Claire, the night outs are\u00a0associated with an activity: a carefully chosen bar, a social night at a\u00a0billiards club or a rented\u00a0studio for a rehearsal with his band. \"This occasion between friends must be synonymous with good times and\u00a0begs for an\u00a0activity. Unlike me, it would never occur to him that we can\u00a0go out just for coffee, for example.\"<\/em> According to Bernard Elyn, this is the greatest ritual in male friendships. \"The band itself is a ritual. No one has to manage or support it because that's how it is,\"<\/em> he says. \"But these organized meetings give men some time\u00a0to discuss more ethical questions about their married life\u00a0or work.\"<\/em><\/p>

The harmonious team\u00a0<\/strong><\/span> <\/h2>

When we ask Marc Esposito whether\u00a0C\u0153ur des hommes\u00a04<\/em>\u00a0would have a feminine figure, he says \"No, because if a girl is cool enough to integrate into the group, something is bound to happen.\"<\/em> Females are also absent from Vanessa's and Claire's husband's circle of friends and the only women in Julie's husband's team are his friends' wives.\u00a0Anne Vincent-Buffault highlights that this kind of friendship already existed since the 18th century, right before the separation of sexes in the 19th century.<\/p>

But where do women fit in all this? \"Gone is the time when\u00a0women were fishing for\u00a0discord,\"<\/em> says Anne Vincent-Buffault. Still, Julie is frequently regarded by her husband's friends as competition. \"I'm clearly the one who stole my husband from his friends, someone who always has the best date night plan so he doesn't spend so much time with his friends,\"<\/em> she said. But now things are better since his friend got engaged.\u00a0\"I have no interest in criticizing my husband in front of them.\"<\/em><\/p>

For Jeanne, things were a little bit\u00a0rougher. \"I came from an upper-middle-class background and I found myself\u00a0categorizing his friends as my inferiors.\"<\/em> Almost ten years later, she finally took an important step. \"We grew closer, and\u00a0since my husband's friends are very important to him, they were important to me as well. And his friends saw that, by spending less rock 'n' roll time with them, my husband\u00a0did not look as\u00a0unhappy with me as he had been before. Now we're even.\"<\/em> \u00a0Or almost...\u00a0Julie posed a small request to her husband, \"I'm pregnant with our third child. And this time, I would like him to be there for the first bath. Because for the eldest, he partied too much with his friends in celebration of his firstborn. It was the same case for the second one (even though he gave me a false excuse). If this time I could avoid playing the single mother, that would be great!\"<\/em><\/p>

The female gender <\/a>might have a lot of requests but we are nowhere near banning our men from meeting his friends.<\/p>

Jos\u00e9phine Lebard<\/em><\/p> ","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If we have our own girlfriends to confide in, surely the gents also have their own circle of friends.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":422,"featured_media":98282,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_yoast_wpseo_metadesc":"We always talk about our best (girl) friends but our men too, have people they can't be separated 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