What is couples therapy?
“Couple’s therapy focuses on the link that unites both parties”, explains Violaine Gelly. “If this link is broken, we will to try to understand how it was established and why it no longer works today.”Whatever the number of years of couplehood, therapy enables individuals to see their partner in a different light. They are able to say the words they had difficulty formulating previously, to understand intimate expectations and to express buried desires. In brief, we are here to speak and listen to each other.
When to consult?
According to Violaine Gelly, “For individual therapy, it is recommended to consult as soon as there are misunderstandings, conflicts and any small uncertainty. Early consultation is best in order to succeed in revitalising the couple’s dynamics. One couple came to see me five years after one party’s infidelity. Her partner had been ruminating all these years. Their link was durably damaged. If they had sought help sooner, even if she felt then more anger or sorrow, things would have been said with less violence and resentment than they are being said today.”
Consultation as prevention - is it a good idea?
Yes! “It is even very healthy, it allows us to learn immediately and communicate well”, underlines Violaine Gelly. “I have new couples who suffered in their previous relationships and want to stack the odds in their favour for their new relationship.”
The most frequent motivations for seeking consultation
There are numerous - lack of communication, sexual problems, distancing, permanent disagreement, conflict regarding the children. “There is a high demand in couples with intercultural problems, but also in blended families”, specifies François Allard. “I sometimes receive homosexual couples, but their problems are very different because the mutual knowledge of the identical sexual nature specifies differently the contexts of difficulty. On the other hand, the therapies are not recommended in cases of domestic violence. The violent party requires an individual follow-up. I would say that it is the only case where the therapy is ineffective for sure, and where it can even make the situation worse. In terms of extramarital relations, a specific approach is necessary beforehand.”
The question to ask yourself before seeking consultation
Why am I going for a consultation? “This question seems simple, but it is essential”, according to Violaine Gelly. “It is necessary to think about it and get ready because it is the first question that will be asked by the therapist, and they will not give you the answer! Do you need to be reassured, to say or to hear certain things? Do you really want to continue your life together or not?”
The role of the therapist
Their role is to strike a new balance, based on new rules. Every spouse has in front of them an impervious interlocutor. For example, the one who locks themselves into silence will have to express themself. The therapist puts an end to matters unspoken, confronts resentment and brings requests to the forefront. They take on the role of an arbitrator in front of the couple.”“The room is a secure and friendly space; we are there to say things to each other”, adds Violaine Gelly. “More precisely, we say things to a third party while the other one listens. This facilitates the discussion of topics that would not be broached at home; for example, a lack of sexual desire.”
How does therapy take place concretely?
This varies between therapists. Some begin by seeing the couple together, then the individuals separately. Others like to start by making each party express their definition of the couple, and their expectations.“My sessions are always very interactive”, underlines François Allard. “I often give homework exercises or advice on which books to read.” It is also found that some role-playing games punctuate the sessions. “I can ask my patients to write a letter to each other or go down the psycho-corporal path; for example, by embracing each other”, notes Violaine Gelly.As with any therapy, there are no standards regarding duration. For François Allard: “In general, it is necessary to have 24 sessions of one hour duration, but it can be less or more. At first once a week, then more spaced out. However, the timings vary according to the needs of each couple.”“You should not believe that you are necessarily embarking on years of therapy. Sometimes, one or two sessions are enough to unblock situations and improve communication”, reassures Violaine Gelly.
What constitutes successful therapy?
The purpose is not to save the couple. “If the therapy allows the couple to update their life contract, it may also put an end to it”, insists Violaine Gelly.This highlights the paradoxes of couple’s therapy: it can be successful but end in separation.“The decision belongs to the couple”, insists François Allard. “The important thing is to understand what takes place and, especially, each other’s responsibility”, states Violaine Gelly. The decision has to be taken in full awareness of both sides. Even if the couple breaks up, the therapy will have at least allowed them to part without resentment.”
What to avoid?
“One of the partners is often less motivated to attend therapy than the other, but the sessions will fail if one party refuses to play the game, in particular, in terms of listening”, warns François Allard. This is the main limit of the exercise: to reinvent how to live together, to breathe fresh air into a story that is struggling.“Empathy and sympathy are essential”, adds François Allard. “You should not wait until things are so bad that you have significantly damaged your relationship. The therapy is often perceived as the last chance for the couple to resolve their issues. The intimate relations are probably the area in which you are the most sensitive and where your behaviour has an impact (verbally, for example). Also, be wary not to lie to or try to hide things from the therapist; such as infidelity. The sessions will work only if both parts opt for sincerity. Appreciate your differences without the fear of conflict, and remind yourself that a couple bases itself in the interest of positive exchanges.”
How to find a therapist
Inquire about the various styles of existing couples therapy (behaviouristic, analytical, systematic, etc.) and talk to friends who have already been through the process.“I misadvise embarking on couples therapy with the same professional you have seen for individual therapy”, specifies Violaine Gelly. “The transfer will not be the same, and the therapist may be biased rather than impartial. Finally, don’t think that therapy will change your partner. This is not its purpose.”
