Sex appeal: What makes us desirable?

What is it that thrills men, making them love us some days, without any effort, while other times, despite subtle work of staging our sex appeal, they remain completely placid? The mystery seems hidden behind their dreamy smiles as we ask them the question. It is a bit like our own dreamy smiles – by the way – if we are asked why and how they affect us in the same manner.

Except that in their case, clichés die hard. The curvy silhouette, with 34Cs peeking out under plunging necklines, the little G-string… They have lulled us into the illusion that it is enough to just to let them see and if possible shock so much that we end up mistaking the mysteries of seduction with marketing tools for a striptease show. Come on, surely desire – even that of men – is more subtle than that, don’t you think?

“We often confuse men’s fantasies with their desires,” says sex therapist Catherine White. Breasts, hips, with the haughty air of an Ice Queen… Of course it makes their pupils dilate and tickles their manhood…but perhaps more in the mind than in actual fact.

NO NEED TO BLOW IT OUT OF PROPORTION

“Do they not already have their own bar of chocolate to nibble on?” jokes Catherine White. Men are not necessarily able to experience the height of feelings for the objects of their fantasies…” This is proven by their surprising reactions when the subjects of these fantasies pass in front of them. “My wife Eva still has not figured out why I remained completely passive an on the day we met Dutch actress Karen Mulder on the street,” laughs a man in his fifties. “It was she who pointed her out to me. “Yes, she is beautiful,” I replied.”

This was all the effect it had on me – to Eva’s grand surprise. But you know, I have nothing to do with a sex bomb who does not even look at me. If Karen had said, as she passed, “Patrick, how happy it makes me to see you”, I would probably have been very excited. (laughs) “Even if these bombshells are out of this world, there is no need to aggrandise them. This is clearly the opinion shared by most men. “For me, the thing that drives me crazy may be a simple look”, “for me, it is a single detail, a bra strap, a gesture, the way she drinks, chews a peanut, or removes a hair from her lip”, “for me, it is juxtaposition, a haughty, pinched look paired with luscious lips”, “for me, her flaws, her clumsiness”, “for me, a change of attitude, a little surprise”,  “for me it is the balance of a silhouette, her presence, her aura”, “for me, it is her personality, her mystery”… Basically, men do not end up succumbing the way we think.

It is that “je ne sais quoi”, that strange current that sometimes occurs and makes you want to approach, to learn more about a certain someone. To unravel their mystery. “We play a dirty game by trapping ourselves in images,” explains Catherine White. “The idea that we have to behave and look based on what others expect from us…we dress, we disguise ourselves. And we leave ourselves in plain view, while all he asks for is for us to be comfortable in our own skin.” But real desire is not based on empty vessels.

Real desire arises from that vessel being full, not its shape. We know well that most of the time, disguised as a tramp, it has attracted, at best, a few lustful glances and two or three gritty remarks – far from that strange, light-headed flash that comes with real desire. And sometimes we spark that very desire, unintentionally, just by being ourselves, even in our jeans and sneakers. “What makes us desirable,” continues Catherine Blanc, “is not what we wear, not a certain look, not a femme fatale attitude. It is what comes from inside us, that we personify. ”

Men also are not fooled. “I have nothing against the plunging necklines, aggressive lips or thigh-high boots,” says Pierre, 45. But what it evokes in me is the desire to make love right there and then, on the table or on the stairs. When I find out that this is not at all what she seeks, it no longer affects me.” He prefers the hidden curve of a breast, the unexpected blush, the frankness and open-mindedness, and the certain depth of character…

BEING CONTENT WITH OURSELVES

“The main thing is to commit to who we are,” says Catherine White. “This can take years and is refined with experience. There are very young girls out there who have everything going for them, and yet are struggling to live with their gorgeous bodies. They wear on themselves ready-made templates of what they believe they should be, or in short, make themselves caricatures. If women often become more desirable as they mature, it is because they become more at ease with the people they are. “That does not mean that acceptance is bliss. To finally be content, some need to first go through decisions and changes that may not be sweet.

“I’ve always had a complex with my breasts,” recalls Carina, 36, who now sports a size 34C. I used to cheat with padded bras, push-up bikinis. Ever since I went for breast surgery, I feel more womanly, I take myself differently, I feel better, more open to others. I’m not saying that men prefer it, but for me, it changed my life and my approach to it differently. “It may also suffice to have a dye job, a haircut or even a single dash of makeup to suddenly feel that much more beautiful. And as a result, we become so.

What matters, in fact, it the satisfaction of being yourself. And this may begin by seducing yourself… For some, this may mean beauty rituals – a scented bath, a scrub, a wax… For others, it may be secret flirtation – special underwear, buying yourself your favourite gems… “What makes us desirable is when we accord ourselves what we feel we deserve,” says Catherine White. Being assured of our sexuality makes us sexy. When we feel womanly, we dress ourselves in our femininity. “There is no need to put a brand on our femininity. This is when it goes awry or overboard. Without being overly aggressive, it should be simple courtesy from the female to the male.

“I do not know what it is worth,” says Coline, a 34-year firecracker. I do not believe in the advantages of being a seductress, I am pretty packed with self-doubt, but there are days when, because I slept well, had a good breakfast, or whatever else, it makes me sparkle; I’m in the mood to… These days, it is enough for me to hold somebody’s gaze for me to feel pumped. I have great confidence in myself, and I feel that I draw people in. Even if I am in jeans and t-shirt…”

Desire attracts desire. It is often when we step out of the house, bare-faced and fresh that people suddenly all seem available as well. Vulnerable after all the business suits and makeup, this “je ne sais quoi” – maybe your lightning gaze, that aplomb in the way you carry yourself, or even the smell under all that perfume that you may be releasing in the subtlest way… reveals a real, warm, soft body, ready for love.  “Tests conducted by American researchers showed that men are sensitive – unconsciously – to their physiological desires,” recalls Catherine White.

They asked a woman in the process of ovulation to sit on a chair, among others. Then after the woman left, they brought men one after the other, and asked them to choose a chair. All of them chose to sit directly at the place occupied by the woman, irrespective of the location of the chair.”

MAKE SOME ROOM FOR THE OTHER

Our bodies have their reason which reason knows nothing of, and we show that to attract desire, it is necessary to maybe start with breaching the gap. Provide a space in your life for the other, wait for them… “A desirable woman is, above all, a friendly woman,” says Jean-Paul. “Beautiful breasts or beautiful butt, in fact, it gets a little bit boring. I find it more exciting when someone may have a less-than-perfect body, but gives me attention, and allows me to think of the possibilities.”

There is nothing more difficult to desire than the beauty perched on a pedestal. Or one who goes on the attack, guns and cannons blazing. To successfully attract another, it is also necessary to give him some space, which requires a modicum of confidence in yourself, your beauty, your shortcomings, and especially your femininity. “This works, of course,” says Catherine White. “Dancing, singing, therapy…everything that allows you to go on a quest to find yourself enables you to progress, everything that helps you accept the way you function, your priorities and your fears… It is not about “losing yourself” when loving, by submission to the other and his desire… but rather being so at ease with yourself that it delights you to bring yourself closer to the other; to be able to meet the other for anything instead of to help fix you. “Just out of curiosity, out of interest for what it is, what you could invent together…just for fun.”

 

Marie-Claude Treglia