Breast Cancer: "Hey mom, where are your boo-boos? "
How to speak to children about cancer? As Pink October comes to an end, two authors share with us their stories.
ISABELLE VIENNOIS, 37 YEARS OLD, IN A RELATIONSHIP, TWO CHILDREN.
"In March, 2011, my life changed a lot within 24 hours. When I learnt that I had a lymphoma, I initially felt revolt and powerlessness for my two very young daughters. They could lose their mother, without really knowing her. We were immediately convinced of the importance of talking about it with our eldest daughter. According to our principles, we wanted to be up front about it. By the way, children can sense when there is something wrong.
"Mom, where are your boo-boos? "
We told our eldest daughter that I was sick, but at the same we tried as much as possible to reassure her. It was not easy to find the right words - to tell the truth without frightening her with details. The hard thing with cancer is that the disease is invisible. Then, when we talked about my cancer, she had no questions and would repeatedly say, "Mom is sick, but it doesn't matter". I thus decided to bring my daughter to a child psychiatrist so that she could express herself. At that moment she asked me very simply: "Mom, where are you boo-boos?". She found the right words. I explained to her that I had boo-boos inside me, in the neck and in the breast area but that they were leaving. This is how we managed to discuss it. In June, I learnt that I was in remission. I thus announced to her that my boo-boos were cured. A few weeks later, she drew a picture of me with small circles everywhere on the neck. I thus repeated to her that my boo-boos were all gone. She never drew small circles on my neck again. Books with images can also aid the communication. The child psychiatrist also recommended I take photos of the hospital, my room, the medical team and so on. Today, all that she remembers of my cancer is mostly the visible side effects.
Children are a real strength
I always tried not to change my children's habits because of my cancer. I really wanted them to have a normal life. For that purpose, my spouse took over and he was an important pillar at home. It wasn't easy for him. Friends and family care most about the sick person and forget that the spouse has to manage many things. Children are a real source of strength when you have cancer. They make you feel alive and happy. When I felt tired, they would make me get up and dance with them. They helped me to find new resources of energy. The reactions from my children are sometimes surprising. For adults, hair loss and a wig are synonymous with disease. I always made sure that my children did not see me without my wig so as not to frighten them. One morning, while I was putting on my daughter's shoes, my wig fell off. She burst out laughing. I was shocked. Finally, I think cancer changed me as a mother. I am trying from now on to be more supportive of my children in their development by teaching them more to appreciate life. Before, I was only interested in being the perfect mother. Today, my life is no longer a lengthy to do list! "
ISABELLE DENERVAUD, 42 YEARS OLD, IN A RELATIONSHIP, TWO CHILDREN.
"Four years ago, I had breast cancer. Its code name within the family was "banana". It is the word that enabled me to speak about this very serious disease with adults, without frightening the children. I waited to know what the care protocol would be, the various stages of my cure before informing them about it. I thought that way it would then be much better to speak about my breast cancer to my children. I really didn't want them to suffer or feel guilty about my condition. I explained to my 1 year-old son that I was sick, that everything was going to be ok and that I was going to be cured. Since then, we have developed an incredible closeness. When I was tired, he was very loving. He would hug me a lot and show great sympathy. He always has been very loving, but I think that he is even more so now."
"Mom looks like Voldemort! "
It was complicated for my eight-year old daughter. After announcing to her that I had a disease, and after she saw me post-operation at the private hospital, she did not talk about the subject for two months. She never talked about it, had no questions and made no comment when I spoke about it. I felt that she was confused, but I couldn't manage to make her talk. We went to the shop together as a family to choose my wig. It was indeed the first point of concern that her friends did not see me without hair. Two months later, one morning, I did not hear the door of her room open. After seeing me without my wig, she told me, "Mom, you look like Voldemort! " I burst out laughing with her. We got back our serious faces in a minute. For the first time, she asked me questions, in particular about the wig. Harry Potter helped me to recreate a dialogue with my daughter. In the evening, while I was hugging her, she asked me to come closer. She removed my wig and told me, "Mom, from now on, you can be like that every evening". I had goose bumps and an uncontrollable desire to cry. It was the magic moment, which will stay forever engraved in my memory. To increase communication with my daughter, I started speaking about my cancer to my sisters in her presence. I knew that she was listening, it was an indirect way to speak to her and answer questions that she did not dare to personally ask me."
Keep a normal life
My children did not see a child psychiatrist, but when I saw a psychologist after my operation in the hospital, I asked her many questions so I would be able to approach the disease in a way that they would suffer as little as possible. She gave me good advice. My mother had cancer when I was 14 years old and I became a surrogate mother for my six brothers and sisters. With this real-life experience, I wanted to make sure that our family life would not change because of the disease. I organized, for example, my daughter’s 9th birthday after a chemotherapy session. Childhood is a precious moment, which should not be shortened by an unnecessar early awareness of life's fragility.
"My relationship is no longer the same"
My children were a permanent breath of fresh air for me, I fed on their energy. In the eyes of children, you remain as their mom whether you wear a wig or not. You stay the same in spite of the disease - the way they see you will not change. It is different for adults. This hardship created an incredible closeness between us. I do not spontaneously talk about it with them, but neither is it a taboo subject at home. I answer daughter’s questions and those from her friends. I know that my daughter is proud of me, because I'm a fighter. Since the diagnosis of my cancer, I love every moment that I get to spend with them. We also changed our diet and lifestyle. My relationship, finally, is no longer what it used to be. I was lucky enough to have a husband who kept his bearings and gave me endless relief and support. It took me two or three years to get back all my energy. We had to rebuild our relationship, which is now in its 22nd year, and rediscover what was fundamental in our relationship before the disease. "
These are very different testimonies. The emotion is there, but the authors never feel sorry for themselves. They share their experiences, from the point of their diagnosis to its remission. They also explain how they organized their lives around the disease - acupuncture sessions, care and esthetics, lying (or not) at the office and creating time for themselves.
Fabienne Broucaret
