Be well prepared
"Negotiate. Don't just sit around a table to discuss the problem," warns Laurent Combalbert*, a negotiator for RAID. "In hopes you reach an agreement, preparation accounts for 80% of the work."In terms of asking a pay raise, "The first thing is to fully understand the details of your annual compensation," advises Laurence Dejouany, author of Les Femmes au piège de la négociation (Women trapped in Wage Negotiations). Needless to say, you need to know how to ask for money without making your boss angry. "You must also know what you are expecting, especially considering how well the company is doing financially. Finally, prepare quantitative and qualitative arguments to show your contribution to the team while still being very factual."Besides that, mentally list your argument points and make sure you know them well.*He is now the director of Ulysceo, strategist consultant and negotiator company.
Anticipate objections from the opposite party
What can the other party use against you? "It is essential to anticipate in order to not be caught off-guard, and so you can act on it," said Laurence Dejouany. "Remaining calm is also essential for a good negotiation."Moreover, acknowledge your mistakes. In a conflict, when you accept responsibility for your part, you disorient the other person and prevent him from being violent. This also avoids lying and maintains the confidence of your interlocutor.
Set your eyes on several goals
Do not plan a single solution, you may find yourself facing a roadblock. Choose realistic goals, otherwise your negotiating skills would be useless. In terms of wages, psychologist Laurence Dejouany recommends setting a range rather than a specific amount. If you know how flexible you are, you will benefit from it. Think also about what you are willing to compromise (or not). With a child, hygiene issues are not negotiable. But if you tell him: "Take a shower immediately, that's an order!" It's likely he would go, but rather reluctantly. "Because as an adult, he wants to have several options," says Christophe Carre, author of Obtenir sans punir: les secrets de la manipulation positive avec les enfants (Obtain Without Punishing: the secrets of handling children positively). "Instead, ask him, 'Do you want to take a shower now or just before dinner?' This will give him the illusion of free choice." But the background remains non-negotiable (the shower is required). It's easier to sell someone an idea this way, though it may take time.Prepare plan B and C. According to Laurence Dejouany, "If you do not get your raise, don't write off the alternatives, for example, a company car, a bonus, a profit-sharing, training, etc."
Choose the right moment
"Never raise the issue of your pay between two doors. You are giving a chance for either party to escape," says Laurence Dejouany. "The annual performance assessment seems particularly appropriate." Similarly, do not attempt to negotiate the next holiday destination with your SO while he is about to leave the house; it's a waste of time.Think about a personal approach. If you are considering a "negotiation" with your spouse over dinner, then consider cooking his favorite dish.
Be an active listener
"The first strength of a good negotiator is keeping one's silence and to listen," says Laurent Combalbert, author of Devenez meilleur négociateur que vos enfants! (Become a better negotiator than your kids!). While it is important to say 'I', it is equally essential to empathize. Understand the point of view of the other party and accept that his opinion is as legitimate as yours. Before beginning a negotiation with your husband about his sudden desire to move, ask yourself two questions: "Why? and "Why not?" During the discussion, say "I understand" rather than "No". Use conciliatory phrases too. At the end of the day, the aim is to find a satisfactory arrangement for everybody. Feel free to rephrase what you said to your counterpart by paraphrasing, don't forget to encourage him to talk while you stay silent and listen.
Improvise
A negotiation always has an element of uncertainty. "To respond well, recite a speech you know by heart and get rid of phrases that won't work," says Laurent Combalbert. "Negotiating is done in the face of another human so this requires authenticity, creativity and the ability to adapt."The ImprO25 + The organization offers training courses conducted by professional actors who have held positions in businesses. The idea is to devise scenes where managers and employees can improvise, eventually improving their agility and efficiency in situations where the stakes are high: sales, speaking, dealings, etc.
Keep calm
Avoid aggression and personal attacks like "You're an egoist who thinks only of himself." These are phrases that hurt permanently. Instead, strive for diplomacy until you find another excuse like "I know you had a difficult day, but I would like you to make an effort to go to dinner with my sister tonight." Also, watch that high, threatening tone! "When you threaten, you lose control of the situation," says Laurent Combalbert. "When we negotiate with our kids, we are facing a strong affect which exacerbates the existing feelings. The emotional risk is great for both sides: anger becomes aggressiveness, fear turns into anxiety, joy turns into euphoria... analyze rationally and the negotiation will be more efficient."In case of disagreements, adopt a friendly body language, a smile, a warm look and a calm and steady voice...
Do not resort to blackmail
"If you do not clean up your bedroom, I will throw your stuff out the window." This is not a negotiation; this is blackmail! There are only two endings: either you proceed with your threat and infuse a grudge within the relationship, or you don't act on what you threatened them with and lose all credibility. It's the same with emotional blackmail: "If you love me, you would visit your mother less often." You will end up with resentment that will always find ways to re-appear later. And when they become a habit, these practices lead to things blowing out of proportion. "It will quickly become the subject of haggling between the couple, including the regrets of what should not have been," says psychiatrist Philippe Brenot, author of Les Femmes, le sexe et l’amour (Women, Sex and Love).Recognize there are matters that are not to be negotiated. To Laurent Combalbert, "There are issues on which we can always compromise, others which are solved through unique negotiations and finally, some that are non-negotiable."
Conclude well
Take the precisely and clearly the terms of the agreement that you reached by avoiding any negative attitude or, conversely, excess enthusiasm. Do not provoke the other party with remarks such as "See? I'm always right" or "If you had listened to me earlier, then..." Always leave the audience the honourable way.Furthermore, learn from this experience. What are the positive things to pick out and errors to not repeat? How can we better prepare for the next round of negotiation?
