Should we conceal our emotions at work?

Be efficient and be quiet. That’s essentially what we have always hammered into ourselves. This rule, virtually the perfect conduct of an employee, is it realistic? “Of course not,” replied Laurence Saunder, Director of the French Institute for Actions on Stress and author of L’énergie des émotions* (The Power of Emotions). Believing that one can hide his feelings at the office is a “perfect utopia.” “Like it or not, they sweat at every moment,”confirmed Catherine Lainé, a business coach of thirty years and author of Du bon usage des émotions au travail** (Good use of emotions at work). An assassin-like sharp look, choked voice, clammy hands…  In fact, our body is so ‘talkative’ that it is estimated 80% of the communication is non-verbal.”

Keep an eye on those who try to suppress their emotions at all costs. “If you put a lid on it, after a while it explodes! This is normal, we are not robots,” warned Saunder calmly. “Conversely, communicating indiscriminately is a big mistake because the company is not Care Bears. Whether negative or positive, you should be wary of excessive emotions and how to defuse them. However, sharing your annoyance, impatience, satisfaction, pride and selected pieces of you private life will create a community feeling and bring serenity. Provided of course, you do it with tact and finesse.

Here’s a brief overview of what we can and can not do at the office:

Shooting yourself in the foot

In the kitchen at an office, venting out is sometimes a matter of survival or a code towards better self-acceptance. In an insurance company or a dental practice, however, that’s another story. “Except in some circles, the explosion of anger has no place in business,” said Lainé. Men are more likely to be tolerated as people say ‘that’s his character’, but women are less easily forgiven as people say ‘she’s unnecessarily hysterical’ – except perhaps in the case of injustice. So what, do we all sit back, ruminating our frustrations? “Certainly not,” replied Saunder. “Otherwise small firecrackers might turn into bomb. “

If your self-esteem is threatened or that the situation is likely to improve, so it is not only allowed but even recommended to bang your fist on the table — don on velvet gloves first.

How do we combat the aggression in value judgments? As to not insult others, we do not say, “You are nothing” or “It’s a nightmare to work with you”.  Instead, say “I am disappointed, your work does not resemble what I had expected”, or “It is the second time you submit a document late, I do not feel respected and I was left with no choice but to handle things a certain way.”

As for the micro-annoyances, the grass should be cut from under their feet. When a colleague bothers you, you have to tell him, that the next time he appears in your office uninvited, it will result in anger. Same with the neighbour occupying the open space, who hounds you with clicking of his pen, talking too loudly on the phone or interrupting us during a meeting. “Nothing forbids us to ask the views of a third party,” said Hélène Sancerre, change management responsible at Cisco.

Sobs = farewell to the promotion?

Feeling exhausted? Dealing with a computer that crashes at the wrong time, or a photocopier that has broken down for the umpteenth time, an urgent matter that falls apart, can bring you to tears. What’s the best way to handle this?

“Everything depends on the context and the trigger,” responded Saunder. “If the reaction seems disproportionate, incomprehensible, then, yes, it is likely to end in tears.”

It’s been two years that Clair, the production assistant, has been unable to contain her overflow of emotion and resorted to biting her nails. “I was exhausted, I had given birth a few months ago,” said the 36 year-old Parisian. :After a blunder, I was called and I burst into tears. Big mistake, because in the business, if you are not able to exercise self-control, we are quickly stigmatized.”

Lainé, did not need to be a tough cookie to assert her competence: “This stereotype is passé. The proof: Obama wept (when watching The Butler), and no one held it against him,” she said, who pleads for companies to pay more consideration into the human side of the employees in the company, especially since the wave of suicides at France Telecom. In summary, if venting out does not help to climb the ladder, it is not a permanent brake on your career. “The real problem is that it puts people in front of you very uncomfortable,” she said.

Too happy?

“A colleague who embraces life to the fullest is better than a colleague who smiles when she’s angry,” joked Aline, who’s in charge of customer service in a bank branch. However, this employee of 41 years, who has a very jovial nature, prefers to keep her cool in front of others, hiding behind her banker facade and refusing to reveal too much.

“There is no harm in showing joy as long as the expression of that happiness does not attack others,” said Catherine Lainé. Everything is a matter of dosage and circumstances. Exult while the company is undermined. “It’s very awkward and it may arouse jealousy,” warned the coach. However, smile at the announcement of a wedding, a birth or success stories in general. Even better, play on a colleague’s joy after the collective meeting so as to encourage them to perform better for the team. It’s a regret that the culture of positive feedback is still largely underdeveloped in some countries.

Share anything or reveal nothing ? 

At the canteen, small talk about other people over meals is inevitable. Don’t join in and stay quiet; stay away from risks of betrayal.  “The secret is to say nothing that can not be said in front of other people,” said Hélène Sancerre. These kind of conversations do not help ease your emotional tensions. Saunder said, “In contrast, they amplify tensions, they are toxic for you and for the company… Talk about private lives. Talk about holidays, the last film you watched at the cinema, etc. It’s important to create a connection and build a relationship for work, but avoid topics that are too intimate.”

Would some aspects of our life be considered taboos? For the coach, Catherine Lainé, there is no absolute recipe. “If you want to entrust someone with our problems, why not? Provided you are willing to take the consequences.” In other words, one can not assume the future. A good friend today may become the enemy or supervisor you need to face tomorrow.

Furthermore, you are not prohibited from opening to someone you trust. It is important to maintain “an adult-to-adult relationship” and not seek to establish a “parent-child” one, insists Hélène Sancerre, based on personal experience. “After my cancer, I resumed my position by keeping the same objectives in mind and everything was normal. For even if the company can listen to you, they’re not there to alleviate your stress.”

Chloé Belleret