7 Keys to rid of boredom in bed

Fabienne Broucaret

01 Jun 2015

updated the 6 October 2015 à 23:03

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Say no to ‘performing’
"When we look at the female orgasm, women are inclined to achieve it at all costs," Sonia Feertchak says. "To enjoy oneself, one puts enormous pressure on the must-dos and consider themselves a zero if they fail to perform. Porn has also contributed to reducing sexuality to a quest for performance. This concern forces a woman to look at herself during lovemaking, to better control her image in bed. The thought of having to set up a good performance does not help in achieving pleasure. Hold on to the idea that one must be liberated, meaning you can do things to prove that you're not stuck in this mindset. People tend to forget and they never listen to themselves."
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The thing about feminsts
In her book, Feertchak uses the word "féminettes" which refers to a feminist who is also a working girl. Women between 30-40 years of age are torn between their feminist views, which taught them that the refusal of submission is key to their empowerment, and their desire to be desired.
"For example, some women feel guilty if they fantasize about submitting to their partner and thus they inhibit the thought. Fearing to be objectified, they remain guarded, preventing the necessary 'letting go' needed for sexual pleasure. This was not the case for women of olden days, who were subjects in bed as they were in life. And, welcoming some desired violence does not mean disrespect, it's quite the contrary; mutual respect is essential in order to let go. "
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Restore his manhood
"The notion of masculinity is now very undervalued," says Feertchak. "But what are we really talking about? In the past, the word referred to men's social function as providers of protection and assistance for women. Today, women are autonomous, making the notion obsolete on a social level. But in my opinion, it doesn't have to be this way in bed. Some men desire vitality and ardor. There is a confusion between the omnipotence of male desire the desire itself. Those I call in my book as "the new boys" tend to inhibit and internalize this confusion. Some don't act on their desire, fearing that it would be compared to an attempt of domination and violence. Many feminists have had mothers who raised them in the idea that one must receive only very careful treatment, regardless if they have fun or not... sometimes they even end up neglecting that part."
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Play the game!
Overly intellectualizing sexuality, making an issue of power out of the endeavour, or reducing it to mere technical considerations, we forget that this is primarily a game. "By honouring our social and erotic selves, we can, for example, play the game of the dominant and the dominated with interchangeable roles," says Feertchak. "At times, the men may wamt to be the more passive one. Why not? "
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Let go
"To enjoy is to accept that you must let go and lose some control," explains Feertchak. "Not only being penetrated during sex makes us physically vulnerable, it also makes our feelings as women vulnerable. But achieve full pleasure by accepting that you must let go, let your guard down, if only for a few moments. Do not worry about having a small bulge by it, don't worry if you're not feeling pretty that day."
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Rediscovering the psychological pleasure
"Speaking of physical pleasure and orgasm is one thing, but one shouldn't forget the psychological pleasure. It involves feeling desired by our partner and relish in being the only one," says Feertchak. "When you get bored in bed, it could be because the desire is not mutual. No technical pointer or sex toy will let you feel the same as you did at the very first. This is an energy that pulls us together, one that validates us as a woman and as a man."
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Do not confuse desire to please with having fun
"Wanting to please and failing to seek one's own pleasure, that's a classic pitfall," says Feertchak. "In trying to please the other, we forget ourselves and instead we listen more to our partner. Personally, I cared about pleasing before learning the importance of my own sexual pleasure. We are in a civilized society, so we have the right to set our own codes: what is acceptable and what isn't, what feels good and what doesn't. But because of this freedom, we tend to quickly fall under the dictatorship of others."

How do you get rid of boredom in bed and spice things up? How do you really achieve pleasure? Sonia Feertchak, author of “Women Get Bored in Bed” tells you how.

“For the longest time, I have found myself to be extremely bored in bed, with a lover who is also bored, except that at the time I did not realize. When I did, I tried to understand why,” says Sonia Feertchak. Her flame with her lover had dimmed down, so much that she was able to think of other things during sex.

A taboo subject

“It was a very unpleasant feeling and I felt awfully guilty,” she explains. “Personally, like many women, I thought it was my fault. I thought I didn’t know how to do it properly. Today, talking about it is still considered taboo, but having fun in bed isn’t impossible! One key is to get rid of prejudices upon entering the bedroom. ”

Ridding of all guilt

In her book Les Femmes S’emmerdent au Lit (Women Get Bored in Bed) the 40-year-old author evaluates the obstacles that create boredom in bed. She also questions the notions of masculinity and femininity and supports her thesis with personal experience. At a time when more and more books are focused on how to achieve orgasm in 5 steps and 10 minutes flat, Feertchak’s book is engaging, honest and relieves us from feelings of guilt.

Take a look at our gallery for the main points and say goodbye to boredom in bed!

Fabienne Broucaret

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7 Keys to rid of boredom in bed

A taboo subject

Ridding of all guilt

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