5 Signs your child has an avoidant attachment style (and how to fix it!)

Kanako Sugawara

20 Jul 2018

updated the 23 July 2018 à 15:37

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1 – Independent (or pseudo-independence)
Sign: Children are often lauded for being mature and independent, but is there such thing as too much independence? No matter how adult and mature a child is, they need all the help we can give them at least until they are of age (even then, as we all humbly admit, we still need our parents’ support!) Even though you and your yummy mummy friends might ooh and ahh over your child’s ability to do things on their own, question whether your child is doing it because they truly can, or because they feel like they cannot approach you for help.

Solution: Always praise your child if they successfully do something on their own, but do not glorify it. Make sure that even when they’re attempting to be independent, that you are there to support them in any way you can. Also, no comparing--just because your friend’s child was able to run errands at the age of five, doesn’t mean your child has to learn to do it too.
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2 – Acting like they don’t have emotional needs
Sign: Another telltale sign of an avoidant attachment style is when your child acts like they don’t have emotional needs. Ever drop off your child at their daycare and not have a tearful goodbye like all the other parents and kids? If they’re more focused on the new toys at the daycare and not the fact that you’re leaving them for the day, then you might want to start thinking of ways to change how you interact with your child.

Solution: Communicate, communicate, communicate! As much as you might appreciate your child for letting you make an easy getaway from their daycare to work, let them know that you’ll miss them and that it’s okay for them to feel a little teary too. Verbal cues like “will you miss me?” or “don’t miss me too much!” will help your child understand that it’s perfectly okay to feel a little sad watching their mommy head off to work.
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3 – Unemotional
Sign: Does your child keep his or her feelings close to their chest? When a child has an avoidant attachment style, their responses to their caregivers appear emotional and blank.

Solution: This is especially important to note when scolding or getting angry at a child who may have an avoidant attachment style. For such children, yelling and screaming at them (already ineffective for pretty much anyone, both children and adults) will just make them close off more. Did your child accidentally spill juice all over your favourite designer shirt? Instead of blowing your top, keep calm and count to ten before gently letting them know that it is not their fault.
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4 – Difficulty crying
Sign: On a similar note, unemotional children have a difficult time crying. A child with an avoidant attachment style will try to fight the urge to cry, especially around their parents or their primary caregiver.

Solution: The “it’s okay to cry” may seem like a cliche, but we all know that sometimes just simply being reminded that its okay and acceptable to cry is enough to open those cathartic floodgates. Let's make the phrase “men don’t cry” history, and never mock your child if he or she starts crying. Additionally, if you yourself have childhood issues, this is the time to deal with them and fix them so that you don’t pass on your traumas to your child.
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5 – Physical contact
Signs: Children with avoidant attachment styles not only have trouble with emotional contact, but also physical contact too. A young child that actively resists physical contact with a parent might be leaning toward the avoidant attachment style.

Solution: Make it a point to have skin-to-skin contact with your child by hugging them, touching them, and kissing them. Make sure that skin-to-skin contact is a natural way to express affection, and that it’s okay to want to be held.

1 - Independent (or pseudo-independence)

Dear parents: what is avoidant attachment style – and how can we fix it?

As parents, the one thing we want most from our children is to be loved, and to love them the best we can. In fact, one of the most important parts of raising a child is getting them to understand that we love them no matter what and that we are the person they need to turn to in times of hardship and crisis.

Unfortunately, sometimes, simply saying “I love you”, or catching them when they fall (literally and figuratively) isn’t enough for your child to understand that you are, and will always be, their biggest cheerleader in life.

What is the ‘ideal’ attachment style?

Ideally, your child should have the “secure attachment” style, a style where a child feels comfortable with expressing their most automatic feelings, whether it be distress or happiness. Everything else, including ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles, fall under the “insecure attachment” category.

These attachment styles are so important to your child’s growth that is has been proved that children who showed signs of secure attachment with their mothers are more likely to succeed in their platonic and romantic relationships as they grow older, and are even believed to be better at socializing!

What is broken can be fixed

But even if you do spot some familiar signs, do not fret. Professionals believe that attachment styles are malleable and can be fixed over time. Additionally, attachment styles are also highly dependent on your child’s innate personality – so chances are, your child just needs to learn to get out his or her shell.

Here are five signs your child has an avoidant attachment style, and specific ways you can make your relationship with your child an even more fulfilling one!

Kanako Sugawara

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