How to overcome 'baby quake' in your marriage, according to a relationship counselor

How to overcome ‘baby quake’ in your marriage, according to a relationship counselor

Sarah Khan

19 Jun 2018

updated the 25 June 2018 à 10:48

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#1 Give Yourself a Break
Unfortunately, most couples aren't fully set up to cope with the transition to parenthood, Erin shares. When it comes to sex especially, couples often don't talk about it enough as it is! As such, it's completely normal to feel like your post-baby sex life has changed. Take a breath and recollect yourselves as a couple, and know that you'll be able to pull through it.
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#2 Prioritise your couple time – no matter how simple
"The reality is, life is not the same as it was in your early 20s, when you had a lot more time to devote to connecting with your partner on an emotional and sexual level." That said, Erin says that this period will also pass. In the meantime, make it a priority to carve out time to connect, not just sexually, but as a couple. It could be a weekly lunch date or a scheduled 30-minutes call during the day to catch. "Get creative and do something to demonstrate that this relationship is important."
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#3 When it comes to sex, start afresh
When it comes to post-baby sex, trial and error is key. "Throw everything you thought you knew about sex and your sex life out the window, start fresh, and have fun with it!" she recommends. "For some ways to get started, download a sexual bucket list to do together!" For the more tech-savvy couples, she also suggests useful apps like Desire.
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#4 Incompatible sexual needs? Communicate
It's almost impossible for couples to have completely aligned sexual needs all the time in their relationship. If you find that you and your partner have different sexual needs, communication is key. Erin shares a nifty communication technique a fellow sex educator told her. "Instead of asking "yes" or "no" questions when discussing your sexual needs, try using a number scale from 1 to 5 or 1 to 10 (the lowest number being the lowest need or desire, and conversely so for the higher number). As you discuss your needs, try thinking of them using the number scale. You might find that you are not as far apart or incompatible as you thought!" And if you are? "At least you've identified an area you need to work through."
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#5 Don’t shy away from professional help
"I often compare having kids to a major sports injury," Erin says. Granted, it's not the most heartwarming of analogies, but the idea is this: much like it's unrealistic to expect athletes to get back in top form without any rehabilitative support, it's also unrealistic to expect your relationship to bounce back to exactly what it was pre-kids if you're not getting the right kind of help.
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#6 Lastly, remember there is no ‘right’ way
Lastly, there is no right way when it comes to sex in marriage. After all, she stresses, "You are the experts of your own body." Don't be too caught up with chasing that spark back too. "Remember that how sex or that "spark" looks is not fixed for life. Every relationship is different and sex looks different for every couple and through different life stages," she says.

You might or might not have heard of ‘baby quake’ – the phenomenon where a couple’s relationship starts to shift (and breakdown, in serious situations). If you’re looking to rebuild the intimacy in your marriage, read on below.

Welcoming your newborn to your life is a beautiful and rewarding experience – but one that admittedly also comes with its share of challenges.

Baby quake refers to that life stage when your kids start to arrive and cause quite the shift in your life (hence “quake”). This affects your relationship, and yes, the bedroom. If you’re a parent, you’ve probably related to this.

As it turns out, first-time parents who have just welcomed their first baby are likely to be at risk of a “baby quake”, which is said to shake up a couple’s relationship and cause serious intimacy issues.

This “baby quake phenomenon” is real: research by Gottman Institute found that the “transition to parenthood brings a 67% decrease in relationship satisfaction for both men and women.”

According to Erin Chen, relationship counselor and founder of SPARK Fest Asia, couples naturally devote so much attention to the birth process and development of their children and adjust their life accordingly, only to overlook the impact the change has on their romantic relationship.

If you’re looking to reignite that spark and intimacy in your relationship, you’re not alone. Erin, who has counseled numerous couples through similar situations, shares her tips on how you can rebuild your intimacy after kids in the gallery above.

However, she stresses that chasing after that spark might be misleading. “Remember that how sex or that “spark” looks is not fixed for life. Every relationship is different and sex looks different for every couple and through different life stages.” Instead, she says it comes down to the “people in that relationship, their needs, expectations, and working through that when it comes to sex.”

From re-learning everything you know about sex to addressing incompatible sexual needs, check out her 6 tips in the gallery above.

Sarah Khan

Photos: Getty Images

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