9 keys to reignite the passion in your relationship!

#1 Cuddle him:

He sits at ease in front of the Sunday night movie, while you fill the dishwasher grumbling? Stop! Stop griping and instead scoot up against your lover. “It is often because we are less present that a man closes himself in his routines,” explains psychotherapist Jane Turner*.

Her advice? Touch him, take his hand and laugh like you did the first time you watched a film together cuddled up on his couch; mood change guaranteed! Magic? No, logic: the act of hugging always activates a flow of oxytocin (the love hormone) in our brain, which enhances the feeling of well-being, confidence and intimacy, and maintains the feeling of attachment.

* Author of ‘9 bonnes façons de construire sa vie adulte’ (9 great ways to construct your adult life) (InterÉditions)

#2 Look elsewhere…

“Merely considering this hypothesis can have a positive effect on a relationship,” says psychotherapist Bernard Hévin*. With this idea, your poise, your look and your attitudes will transform… To maintain this effect, cultivate your male friendships, accept invitations to lunch (they are not committing you to anything), keeping all such escapades secret.

When we begin to look at other men, do what it takes to attract their attention, and spark their interest, the one with whom we share our life will realise via small clues. In the end, it creates an illusion that spontaneously awakens his interest in you. What a pleasure to become an object of desire once again…

* Author, with Jane Turner, of 9 bonnes façons de construire sa vie adulte (9 great ways to construct your adult life) (InterÉditions)

#3 Flatter his ego.:

How could he guess that we love it when he is courteous on the roads, considerate when in queues, funny at dinners, etc., if we do not praise him when he performs as such? “And rather than embarking on a behavioural analysis, simply tell him “bravo”. This always goes better with a few sweet words with a cute smile,” says psychoanalyst Marie-Laure Colonna*.

Try it out: the more specific it is, the better it works because it sets a benchmark for his behaviour.

*Author of L’Aventure du couple aujourd’hui (The Adventure of the couple today) (Dervy).

#4 Long live conciliations:

Recognize that we sometimes tend to play the rectifiers of wrong-doing – “Stop complaining!” “Have you never been taught to keep your things?” etc. But “the more you position yourself as a demanding “mother”, the more likely he is to veer away,” says psychotherapist Valerie Colin-Simard*.

Does this mean we have to endure everything without a flinch? Obviously not. But there is a manner to be heard. “We can express our needs if we choose the right words,” said the specialist. For example – for all twenty minutes that you are trying to read, your other half insists on reading all the bank statements aloud, as if for the whole house to enjoy.

A simple “sorry, baby (if needed), I want to concentrate on my book. Could you possibly (we restore his right to free will) deal with your accounts softly, please?” should probably have a slightly better impact than “Can you just shut up!” When we seem less demanding, the other always offers less resistance…

*Author of Quand les femmes s’éveilleront(When women awaken) (Pocket).

#5 Maintain distance:

Done with it. You have tried just about everything, it has been weeks and he has not made a scrap more effort to aim to get the tissue actually into the dustbin… Last resort: rather than reacting with a hot head, go down a cold spin. In other words, deal him as a sort of moral failure by distancing yourself. How does it work?

Make him feel that you have given up caring about him without giving him any hints as to why. In everyday life, it is does not matter that he scratches your field of sight, as he makes no impression on your retina, and you are passionate about everything that is not him. If he tries to talk to you, give a startled: “Oh! You’re here…” and listen politely, without any particular reaction. If the relationship is still alive, Marie-Laure Colonna assures that it is he who will seek a key to successfully thaw you out.

#6 Reviving the mornings:

So the one who used to kiss you passionately every morning now wishes you a flippant “morning!” as he gets out of bed…what a shame! “Often, over time, couples forget that the foundation of living together happily is built upon those first moments after waking up in the morning,” says Marie-Laure Colonna. But how? “Signal to him, with affection, that if there is a special moment for you, it is this first contact of the day with him,” says the specialist. Set an example by resetting the reflex – in the morning, look at each other, (who cares about the puffy eyes) kiss, and ask each other if you slept well… Thus, a type of code of courtesy is honoured. Sweetly said and clearly shown, there should be progress in the rest of the day as well.

#7 Keep your own space:

If your partner lives only for his job, or if you share most of your leisure time with your friends, a question arises: how does everyone at home feel when under the same roof? Deserting the marital home can be a sign of a problem area. “When the boundaries are trespassed, neither of them manages to preserve a space of his own, and this often generates mistrust and withdrawal resulting from a feeling of not being respected,” says psychotherapist Jean-Paul Sauzède*.

Ask yourself – do you have a space of retreat that is unique to you in your home? A seat in the living room, a corner of the office, a drawer in the bathroom…? Because it gives us a sense of security, defining a space for the “self” often ensures peace in the household. If there are no walls, it might be time to define one or two borders…

* Author of Créer un couple durable entre câlins et tempêtes (Creating a durable couple between hugs and storms) (InterÉditions).

#8 Throw a tantrum:

He forgot, again, to call granny, to leave the car keys with you, or to warn you that he is not having dinner at home… The solution to stop the slow drifting? Scream! “If you want him to react differently, you sometimes have to express yourself differently,” argues Marie-Laure Colonna. Unleash your frustration with conviction, allow yourself a bout of violent indignation, express yourself with your facial expressions and your tears. “Immerse yourself in the emotion,” recommends the specialist. Live it and play it, in a form of calculated spontaneity,” she says. Childish? Perhaps, but the psychoanalyst has faith that when the reaction is justified, it works…

#9 TV Breakdown:

Plan a hijacking of the TV, just to be able to spend time with him again. “The idea has been proven to work,” says Bernard Hévin, who regularly recommends this very idea to his patients who have couch potatoes as companions. It is easy – blur the screen by wrapping a bit of aluminium foil on the antenna jack of your TV set. Then reconnect the cable by pushing it to the bottom so that he does not see… Triumph! Be careful though – having played your turn, do not forget to disconnect the TV from the mains before removing the aluminium cap with a pair of wooden tweezers or chopsticks or you may be in for a shock bigger than the one you gave him…

Laurence Cochet