Faking It: Does simulating equate to lying?

In the past, feminine pleasure had to be quiet; but today, women have to enjoy and demonstrate their enjoyment through sounds, groans, shouts and even words. But not all women are able to share the way they feel. For some, this obligation to enjoy and to let it be known can even become imposing.

So, to conform to the duty to enjoy, whether it hides the need to please or to reassure, to conform to the protection of the relationship or the duty to what we expect from them, women stage their situation. Rather than a lie, this attitude is the expression of a compromise, allowing them to protect their rhythm, their modesty, the silence of their body, but also to value the image that men have of themselves and their virility.

A WAY TO GUIDE OUR PARTNER

Indeed, the absence of audible demonstrations can disorientate men; in particular, in some sexual positions where there is no eye contact. As experimental, skilful and compassionate that they can be, for the records, it is important to keep in mind that men don’t have the ultimate knowledge of what to do. Sounds, hand direction, but also words, “yes”, “faster” or “more to the right” can be used to guide them…

Unfortunately, the dramatisation of the orgasm – what we think we have to do or show – can become constrictive in which a woman forgets her own progress and may not be herself. This detention prevents her from being close to herself and her feelings. By staging it, by listening to herself, by watching what she does, or by being on the lookout for sensations justifying such or such reaction, the risk is big that the sensations become disembodied and removed from the possibility of reaping any real pleasure.

THE POSSIBILITY OF LOSING THE FREEDOM TO FEEL IS HUGE

It is often through fear of the silence of her body, or fear of sounds or attitudes that would not be controlled, and would so betray a disturbing or unknown image of herself, that the woman anticipates a construction of the expected enjoyment. But the more she wants to create a scenario, the more she tries to compensate, to contain, and the less she is able to receive what her partner offers to her and to welcome it properly. Because when the need to build the scenario increases, the more she is a spectator of herself, and the greater the bridge between her body and her sensations.

By focusing too much on the image she wants to send, whether it is to please the other or herself, she risks ignoring her body and sensations that do not burden themselves with images, but aim towards pleasure. In the analysis and reasoning of what she is doing, instead of being tranquil, she judges herself. In this exuberance of an enjoyment which is not inevitably hers, in this misunderstanding weaved in her and with her partner, the possibility of losing the freedom to feel is huge.

Over time, by not having agreed on the peaceful progress of first sensations, it becomes difficult to remove the mask, to watch ourselves progressing and to accept being worried and incipient.

Besides, if a gesture, a caress, a different position generates sudden disturbing and intimate feelings, it will be difficult to share her rising sensations with her partner, as he has been so accustomed to the former demonstrations. How to consider these new feelings and approaches? How to dare “to go backwards” without being afraid of revealing a treason? Does she not risk, with regard to the past, seen failing? How can she give up also the omnipotence offered by the control of the simulation of the pleasure and not fear being weakened?

THEN IS IT NECESSARY TO SIMULATE? DO WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO IT OR NOT?

Rather than thinking in dutiful terms and, therefore, of obligation, the real questions could be: “what do I say and what game do I play when I simulate? Why, indeed, do we have to reduce the simulation to a guilty secret or to an expression of manipulation?” Making love is a moment where we would want the other one entirely offered to us. We want the rest of the world to disappear, the fears overtaken, the obviousness found in the fusion of the bodies and expressed by the pleasure.

If we understand the sense and the goal of the simulation, and we take care not to be reduced to it or to lock ourselves in conformity with “I am a real woman” and “he is a real man”, then it can also be a way of following our feminine path towards the discovery of the intense pleasure that is the orgasm.

Fabienne Broucaret