Is slow sex the secret to great sex?
updated the 24 June 2015 à 10:28Slow down, think a little less, focus on the being and not the doing… Slow sex means that you will have to disobey to the orders of performance and speed, explains Gestalt therapist and author of “Laissez faire l’amour” (Let love happen), Stephen Vasey.
What is slow sex?
It is the decision to letting instead of making it happen. Being active at all points is reassuring, in that it provides a sense of being able to maintain control over the situation. But try leaving the door open to the unknown, and allow yourself to be surprised by yourself or your partner. By relaxing, we are fully present in each moment and we put ourselves in the best place to allow authentic feelings to happen. Slowing down allows you to discover new sensations connected to the body, emotions and feelings – not just your own, but also those of the other person. Mobilise all our senses and allow yourself to be guided by your body. Desire and pleasure do not only happen as a result of excitement and sexual drive, as many movies suggest.
This requires successfully breaking away from the obsession with result and performance…
Making love directed towards a specific goal, like an orgasm, just results in missing a lot of other things along the way. A desire to perform and do better than the last time at any cost creates pressure. But when you are tense, you are restricted; you contain all your energy. Conversely, when there is no particular expectation, you are relaxed, you are open, you are free. The best way not to put pressure on yourself is to consider the meeting as a sensual and sensory experience. If it turns into erotic and sexual encounter, that’s fine. And f it remains just sensual and sensory, that’s perfectly fine as well.
Deciding to slow down is one thing, getting there is another. What can we actually do to achieve this?
As a couple, you can, for example, decide to spend time together with a condition: for men, no ejaculation; for women, no efforts to achieve an orgasm. This defuses the habitual routine, allows you to avoid the norms, and instead make discoveries. We get lost, we stroll, we make detours. By exploring every millimetre, we are more present in the moment. As a result, we no longer have to stick to the same mechanical performances. In everyday life, anything that helps us relax will be beneficial, massages and yoga in particular.
You also explain in your book that the artificial allows a return to the natural. Is this not contradictory?
No, not at all. The artificial, playing a role and making an appointment for an intimate moment at a specific time, does wonders. It is a way out of our mechanical habits and of surprising each other. Putting up a framework is useful and allows creativity; it helps to leave room for improvisation – a bath, a massage, a dance… Blindfolding the eyes can also help remove a large part of the mental stimulation and control. This leaves no choice but to leave yourself to the sensations and pleasures of the body. Trust your other senses, trust each other, surprise and be surprised one another, and you will be transported to another world outside of the usual and the predictable. The body becomes a laboratory for sensory experiments. Sensuality will awaken energy, and taking it slow will stir desire.
Is creating a special atmosphere important?
It is not critical, but it can help some couples, I think, for example, couples with young children. Create an atmosphere with candles or music in the room and go there only to enjoy a sexual or sensual moment can contribute to letting yourself go. We are thus detached from everyday life, and the endless list of mundane things to do.
Interview by Fabienne Broucaret
This question can be answer with one word: Duh.
Okay, that’s glib. Let’s face it, the first time you’re together will likely be very hot, hard and passionate. But what happens as you get to know one another. Like in life, there’s no second chance to make a first impression, so to retain meaning and value, the sex has to become more three dimensional, more specifically about how each of you explore and understand one another, how you introduce preferences to one another, that very intimate dialog that builds layer upon layer of how you define and use one another’s desire and pleasure. If done with patience and honesty, it is the sex that will keep the relationship strong because it will become the one place you can meet where there is nothing in the world but what you can give and receive from one another, do the things to and for one another no one else knows about. Think of that thing he does, or she does, the thing that may not be much to describe, but somehow moves you body and soul. In other words, not for nothing is it known as “making love.”
Cellulite, huh? Yeah, I get it, no woman wants that. For me, I don’t care that my girlfriend has cellulite on the back of her thighs. She’s super hot, brilliant and beautiful. I’d kill and die for her, cellulite and all. And I get bored of her being constantly by articles, ads and trends telling her she’s not perfect. So I tell her, “Cmon, baby, forget that stuff. Me, I love you all the way from the inside out…”