What does a lost erection mean?

Learn more about what exactly does it mean when men face a lost erection during intercourse with some expert advice from the Singapore-based Tammy Fontana, who is a certified Mental Health Counsellor.

Marie France Asia: What does a lost erection mean?

Tammy Fontana: I think before deciding what this means, we need to take a BIG step back and clarify some things. First thing is that nothing in this world has meaning…people, religion, culture, governments give behaviors meaning. Let that concept sink in for a minute. Yes nothing has meaning, but we humans cannot stand this so we give things, behavior, objects meaning.

So when a man loses his erection it really doesn’t mean anything other than the fact that he lost his erection. But there is no universal meaning to this. But of course the man or woman will go about giving this meaning, and it probably won’t be a meaning that is helpful to their relationship or their sex life. Often the meaning people will have is something bad or negative.

For the woman she may get the meaning that he’s not into her; he doesn’t think she’s attractive, or worse yet think he’s cheating on her. The man may worry about what his partner will think, worry about his virility or his masculinity. These are common meanings people give, but let me be clear there is no 1 meaning…it will be unique and situational to the couple and their immediate experience, so let’s not jump to any conclusions or give blanket meaning. Sometimes and often a lost erection is just a lost erection. Other times it may be something else.

I’m always surprised how many people will stop have sex once the man loses his erection! I can’t believe this. The only type of sex that you need an erect penis for is intercourse, but if a man loses his erection there are still lots of things people can do like oral, anal, fingers, hands, kissing, hugging and so on and often the erection will come back if people didn’t view the fact it went away as catastrophic.

So as for the for meaning the couple will need to assess and evaluate it in the moment and decide if they want to make a big deal about it or not and if they want to stop having sexual fun. Later, much much later (not immediately after like a performance review) the couple can discuss it and decide how they want to approach it or whether they want to make a big deal about it.

MFA: What tends to lead to lost erections?

T.F.: A lot of things and it could be different every single time. A lost erection at a most basic level is probably signaling that the man is having sex under conditions that are not ideal for him and he has no safe way to communicate this with his partner verbally. This could be as simple as he’s very tired, or had too much to drink. Other times couples haven’t resolved birth control issues and or family planning. A man may not want a baby and the couple hasn’t resolved this issue. Not discussing birth control is a big factor for losing an erection as it’s a way to avoid pregnancy.

So for example if the man is in a relationship that has a lot of conflict and an area of conflict is what sex means or he knows that his partner is demanding sex and he may not be able to say no, a lost erection may occur because this is not an ideal situation. Other times, he may be really distracted by work or have other things he would prefer to do in that moment.

Often if a couple is experiencing poor sex or failed intercourse this can lead to anxiety about the sex act. So now the man, instead of being excited and thinking about how good he’ll feel with the person, he changes his thought to worrying about his performance and what his partner will do. This distracted non-sexual thinking turns him away from sex to worry and will result in a man losing his erection. The mind controls the erection. If his mind is distracted his penis will lose its erection.

MFA: How can women support their spouse in situations like those?

T.F.: Quite simply stop putting pressure on the man and focusing on performance or the erection. Again intercourse is the only type of sex you need an erect penis for. There are still lots of other things people can do together that is considered sex.

I see many couples turning sex into a job, They develop an external measure of what sex is, one that focuses on performance. Many couples start running sex like a business project with KPIs. They focus on frequency, number of thrusts, minutes to orgasm, number of orgasms etc. This kind of pressure is not fun and is not what sex is about. If you treat your man like he’s broken (which he isn’t) this isn’t sex or hot and creates a vicious cycle.

A lot of couples will need to take a step back and rethink what they want from sex and how they are using it. Again, you only need an erect penis for intercourse. There are lots of fun and satisfying things you can do if the man loses his erection.

MFA: Does lost erection equate to erectile dysfunction?

T.F.: There are 2 schools of thought on this. The medical model would say yes. In the wellness model, we’d say that there is probably a good reason why the man is losing his erection. There is this myth that men will have sex with anyone at any time. This is about as true for men as it is for women. Men will want sex in conditions and situations that are good for that man. So expecting a man to perform or take any sex that is offered to him is just unrealistic.

Generally when I’m working with couples, the man does have some pretty good reasons that he’s losing his erection during sex. The sex he’s being offered isn’t ideal. There are birth control and family planning issues. He may be in a relationship that is quite negative with lots of criticism and contempt from both inside and outside the bedroom. He’s having sex when he’s exhausted or not under ideal conditions. Often the man and his partner have unrealistic expectations about sex given the quality of their relationship and available time.

Tammy Fontana is a Singapore-based certified Mental Health Counsellor with All in the Family Counselling. For more information, click here.