9 keys to overcoming separation and divorce

#1 Crying is expressing yourself in another language

Expressing your pain is a necessary rite of passage to return to the calm after the storm. Allowing yourself tears over your guilt, your ties with your ​​in-laws or the good times spent together are all part of the healing process. “When we cry, we do not deny our grief. We access our inner feelings in an active and effective manner,” says psychologist and psychotherapist Patrick Dais*. “And as painful as it is testing, it allows us, gradually, to build a new identity.”

* Author of “Revivre après une separation” (Re-living after a separation) (Alpen Editions).

#2 Reconnect with others

Separation or divorce expose collateral damage. It happens where, for example, we do not feel as connected to friends as used to be. We thus float between two worlds – that of couples, which does not seem to have space for us anymore, and that of singles who still see us as part of the former. But it is precisely the latter network into which we must now (re)integrate to view the bright side of life again. Humiliating? Quite the contrary. “Having long been considered one half of a couple, existing as a whole individual person is often a very positive experience,” says psychiatrist Christophe Faure*.

*Author of “Le Couple brisé” (The Broken Couple) (Albin Michel).

#3 Children first

“The reproaches and criticism directed at parents can harm children, and this sometimes manifests as anxiety, insomnia, learning difficulties or psychosomatic illnesses,” says psychoanalyst Catherine Bensaid*. To protect them from breaking down and to prevent them from carrying the conflict with them through life, the specialist advocates containing the expression of our emotions. Want to cry? Only quietly, and in the kitchen. We should also avoid the sighs, the downcast eyes, the poisonous thoughts…

* Co-author, with Jean-Yves Leloup of “Qui aime quand je t’aime: De l’amour qui souffre à l’amour qui s’offre” (Who loves it when I love you? Of the love that is suffering to the love that is offered) (Pocket Evolution).

#4 Let go of the suffering

It is there, obsessive, nagging. If you try to deny it, it becomes a slow poison. It is thus better to:

– Write down everything that passes through our minds after we distance ourselves from our partners. “We can, in this way, write to them about our grief, disappointment and feelings… without even sending the letter,” says Dr. Patrick Dais.

– Talk about our fear, anger, sadness… Dealing with emotions allows them to heal faster and better. Who to contact? Look to friends you can rely on for their empathy and patience. Because going back to your feelings again and again allows you to, over time, create a space between the facts and the emotions.

#5 Solitude is your friend

We were two, we find ourselves as one. Sometimes, for the first time in our lives. We must learn to live with loneliness without undue anxiety. Learn to be able to stay home on a Saturday night without getting depressed about not having any other plans. Or go to the movies alone…only to rediscover the strength that comes from this sense of freedom and autonomy. As unsettling as it is, this experience is essential. “This is because it is only when we manage to tame the loneliness that we are able to psychologically open ourselves to a new relationship,” said Dr. Christophe Faure.

#6 Express your creativity

“In the course of a separation, something dies in us. To heal, I recommend reconnecting with life. Starting with getting hold of our desires and that part of ourselves we left behind during the relationship,” suggests psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Catherine Bensaid. Have you, for years, felt drawn to the theatre, ikebana (Japanese floral art) or scouring flea markets? This is the time to do it.

#7 Zen

To relieve tension and reconnect with pleasure, you can choose two options:

Les Fleurs de Bach remedies help us to rebalance our emotions. Marie-Ange Lobjoit, lecturer, advises:

• Holly (#15) which boosts tolerance on the occasion that anger or jealousy are aroused.
• Pine (#24) which allows you to discern whether guilt is involved.
• Star of Bethlehem (#29) which enhances inner peace if grief overwhelms you.

Instructions: Pour 6 drops of one or a few of the elixirs in 50 ml of mineral water, and drink four times daily, in the morning, at noon, in the afternoon and at bedtime, for as long as you feel a need for it.

Masturbation, if you wish, can also help. The benefit? “This can help to dissociate our former partner from the dizziness and pleasure that grips us during orgasm,” says sexologist Catherine Solano*.

#8 To the spa, pronto!

A study by the French Institute of Health and Medical Research conducted in 2004 shows that the stress of a separation or divorce quadruples the risk of a car accident. We can thus attribute 3% of accidents, which results in 170 deaths and 3,000 injured each year, to separations. Another finding that doctors note is that in such circumstances, there is a significant decline in immune system, and an increased risk of infections. “During the period where we are leaving a relationship, there is a psychic shift that is observed. At the beginning, it is better to take it slow and accept a little depressive episode,” advises Dr. Christophe Faure. “The priority is to first take care of yourself.”

#9 Thank goodness for psychiatrists

Why did the relationship fail? Rather than trying to get everyone on your side, “it is better to take the time to reflect on your own actions,” says Christophe Faure. According to the psychiatrist, rejecting all the blame and putting it on the other party is, indeed, a subconscious attempt to avoid a healthy step – questioning your share of responsibility for the failure. “Trying to understand how our behaviour is involved in the failure of our relationship means avoiding these mistakes in our next love story,” says the specialist. If this face-to-face with yourself is too painful, and if your emotions overflow or a depressive reaction prevents you from living normally, do not hesitate – the help of a psychiatrist may be beneficial.

Laurence Cochet