9 ways to preserve your marriage after the birth of your baby

#1 Anticipate

“There is still a sense of shame that accompanies the difficulties that come with what should technically be a perfectly happy moment. Too many women think that if they encounter problems, it is because they are not up to par. This must therefore be anticipated, by inquiring and talking about it with your spouse before the birth (eg. a shuffle in the balance of tasks and responsibilities). Be careful though not to paint a picture of the future that is too dark, this is a period that is essentially supposed to be happy. Keep in mind that a new chapter begins – life will never be the same – but that change is not a bad thing. Thus, there will be less disappointment and it will be easier to manage the daily difficulties.”

#2 Prioritize

“Wanting to juggle everything at once is not a good idea. It is essential to prioritise, not just as individuals but also as a couple, to ensure that your ideas are compatible with each other. Culture, sports, professional life, social life, love life… During the first few months after a birth, the couple must resolve to agree to disagree over some things, and thus be able to make choices which will save everyone energy.”

#3 Cheers for flexibility!

“It is the most flexible structures that are the most resistant. To overcome difficulties, and enjoy the pleasures that come with the birth of a child, the couple must acquire the backbone of the reed, which “bends but does not break.” For this, parents must know how to base their decisions on the levels of demand, and the expression of each other’s needs.”

#4 Empathize

“Empathy, the ability to put oneself in the place of another, with kindness, is a key component that will develop the relationship of the couple. The important thing is to communicate, talk and most importantly, listen. We must lift the veil on the first tremors before they become an earthquake that begins to attack the very foundations of the new family.”

#5 Dare to ask for help

“It sounds simple, but it is not a natural instinct for many people. Learning to ask for help is not exactly everyone’s cup of tea. Most often, mainly for cultural reasons, women are the ones that support many of the tasks related to this new life, and paradoxically, it is they who are less able to express their needs to their partner. As a result, they simply wait, convinced that their partners knows what they have to do, without them having to ask. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. If difficulties persist, and both members of the couple agree to it, consulting a therapist to sort this out can also be beneficial.”

#6 Raise the issue of sexuality

“It is quite normal that getting intimate with each other is put into a difficult patch during the first few weeks after a birth, but this is nothing irreversible. It is important to be aware that life will never be the same, because spontaneity is less possible, but also important to talk and share your desires with one another, especially to get back the lightness and playfulness in sex to reawaken desire.”

#7 Become a team

“I am not saying that you have to avoid conflicts and divergences at all costs, but try to identify on a particular topic together. In this period of reorganization, the parental team needs to move in tandem. Taking sides against each other will not ever help things improve, show solidarity as a couple instead. ”

#8 Make time for the two of you
“Do not feel obliged to leave immediately after birth without your baby. This may require more or less time depending on the individual. Do not live under the illusion that you will be able to leave for a romantic week in the Seychelles to rediscover each other, but make sure to recreate a bubble where it is just the two of you. It makes more sense to invest in the place you live your daily life, in order to define a space for intimacy inside a house invaded by baby business. To come together, it is in the everyday spaces that the couple has to re-learn the foundations of intimacy, sensuality, the sensory and sexuality.”

#9 Inventing your own family

“Having a child is to create a family, and therefore inevitably to juggle the heritage and traditions of each family of origin, especially when it is a mixed couple. Difficulties may occur right from the choice of the baby’s name at the time of the announcement. The couple must be creative to invent their own rituals and traditions which are appropriate, in their own way.”

3 Mistakes to Avoid after the baby is born
– Wanting to do too much. The risk? The excitement, then the disappointment, and the following resentment (from not having these expectations met), and the resulting disputes.
– Rivalry and competition within the couple.
– Underestimating the role of fatigue in the first three months, which Bernard Geberowicz called “the madness of the first 100 days”, because it significantly lowers our tolerance levels.

Interview by Fabienne Broucaret