Sleeping as a couple: Should there be distance?
mis à jour le 6 October 2015 à 23:21
For the most part, it's wonderful to sleep with a loved one, except when he snores, hogs the cover or when the kids climb into the bed. Sociologist, Jean-Claude Kaufmann decodes what the bedroom says about the couple.
The bed is the archetypal space of intimacy but it is also a place where madness arises - the pillow has to be fluffed just right and the sheets just so, or we can’t fall asleep. “We build our small personal world within the conjugal room, and we also build it in the bed; becoming attached to one side”, observes the sociologist, Jean-Claude Kaufmann.
Why is the bed an interesting object of study?
It is the symbol of the conjugal union, but also a place where we spend a lot of our lives. The room is not a harmless space, it is an intimate place in which we are strongly invested. Here, we indulge our habits, sometimes leftover from our childhood, and small personal rituals, such as reading or working. When it’s time to go to bed, the partner can also be transformed into a real enemy; snoring, cold feet, going to bed too late, fidgeting, taking up all the space and hogging the covers. The list of small recriminations is ridiculously long. Nevertheless, we hardly dare say anything about these transgressions. We are often condemned to use sneaky tactics to reclaim our small area of personal well-being.
The bed, when shared, becomes a theatre for permanent contradictions between the desire for togetherness and distance. Yes, at the passionate start of a relationship, we only dream of closeness. Then, the aspiration for individual well-being resurfaces. Sleeping together implies subtle adjustments that transform our nights. The arrival of children, for example, changes the situation. They adore coming into their parents’ bed for cuddles before school or on the weekend. The bed reveals the conjugal evolutions, but any desire for distance is difficult to express.
Is there a good distance?
During my survey, I discovered an extraordinary variety of sleeping etiquettes. Couples who sleep with theirs backs to each other but maintain hand contact; those who opt for twin beds, or who have a cover each, others sleep together every two nights. One woman even told me that they widen their bedding by 20 centimetres every 20 years! But there is no ideal solution and no perfect model. These arrangements are only a temporary fix. Sooner or later, the structuring contradiction of the couple – the need for unity and desire for independence - eventually breaks them. But after 30 years of research, the capacity of couples to reinvent themselves always amazes me.
Why is sleeping in separate rooms so taboo?
The dialogue around this question is still very complicated. During my survey, I was very surprised by the number of women wanting to leave the conjugal bed to regain nocturnal tranquillity. This wish emerges generally at around 50 years old, often following the departure of the eldest child - which frees a room - and when the need for repairing sleep increases. But it is often viewed as abandonment or disenchantment and a source of misunderstanding. Yet, if new conjugal rites are established, the separate room is not as harmful to the couple. On the contrary, it is a way of living together better. It can reactivate feelings, by clearing it of all annoyances, and reinvent sexual desires. Moreover, it is increasingly common in senior couples.
Fabienne Broucaret
