Parenthood: Should we tell our mothers everything?

When we think of our mother, many ‘why’ questions tend to arise. Why did she say that? Why doesn’t she say anything? Why do we never have  ‘heart to heart’ conversations? But that’s because she is our first love! And as such, our relationship is naturally marked by a certain emotional ambiguity. For example, “I love you as much as I hate you because you have never known how to give me what I wanted – everything!” That explains our often sudden desire to provoke her into talking. However, whether she is affectionate enough or completely annoying, the result is always the same: it is not easy to go for it for fear of hurting or even shocking her… Is this proof of immaturity? Sometimes, yes.

On the contrary, according to Claudia Fliess, psychoanalyst, to be afraid of discussing issues with our mother is normal. “We know today that, in most cases, words are better than silence; nevertheless, we cannot say anything to whoever, whenever. There is always a way to address the other. And whatever we say requires some reservation and precaution.” So, should we try to talk to her or not? Everything depends on us and what we want to say.

“I WONDER WHO YOU ARE”

Whether it is pieces of her story that seem mysterious or simply a wish to get to know her more, one question persists: “Who are you? Tell me more about what you have done.” It is a fantasy widely shared, but little concluded upon. “The people I meet in consultations know generally very few things about their mother,” explains Claudia Fliess. “Because they are afraid of envisaging the sexual woman beneath the matronly mother, they do not dare to question her. That’s why it is, generally, the first thing I invite them to do when they consult me. Ask why she chose to give you life; why there are so many years of difference between the births of you and your brother; why she chose to have just one child; what she imagined for you during her pregnancy and when you were a baby; what she expected from your father… Don’t hesitate to question her about your family history, your unconscious baggage. This should not be conducted as an interrogation, of course, but with benevolence and curiosity. In general, the majority of my patients are pleasantly surprised by the experience. Because if they learn more about themselves, they also notice that their mother is often profoundly touched by this sudden interest,” comments the specialist.

Speaking woman-to-woman offers another advantage: gets rid of the mutual annoyance that affects the harmony between mother and daughter.

“I FIND MY MOTHER TOO INTRUSIVE”

Typically, a conversation is the most difficult to hold when we deal with a mother who is programmed to always to think and act as though she’s giving advice. How do we suggest that her comments on our emotional and professional life are inappropriate, that she doesn’t need to interfere with our educational choices? Sometimes, we are tempted to say it without saying, by blaming her for a delay, denying our annoyance or forgetting her birthday – instead of telling her that we find her too involved. The solution? “On this theme, it is better to clarify things rather than to use subliminal messages,” explains the psychoanalyst. “But be careful not to forge blindly ahead. It is necessary to develop your speech. For more chances of being understood, begin by underlining the positive aspects of her ‘cooperation’: “I admit that you help me”, “Your benevolence often allows me to ask myself good questions”, “The children love you very much: we can be proud of the quality of this relationship…” Then move on to what you expect from her: “but I would like you to call before coming”, “I need to act alone”, “I am their mother and I know their needs”. You are afraid that she will play the victim, which will make you feel guilty? In every case, do not give up, stay firm, even if it means putting a little distance between you,” comments Claudia Fliess.

“Keep in mind that the main difficulty for mothers is often to let them be convinced. If you are sure of the legitimacy of your complaints and if you express them clearly and without violence, chances are they will eventually be perceived correctly.”

“I WOULD LIKE YOU TO APOLOGISE”

If some people act through pure egoism or perversion against their children, the majority are unintentionally hurt by emotional wounds. But it is sometimes necessary to notify them that we don’t digest their mistakes. If you try the experience with your mother, don’t be surprised that she will refute your blame. This is a common defensive attitude and it doesn’t have to annoy you, but neither should it stop you from expressing yourself. If you are not understood, at least she listened to you. If she wants to know nothing, learn how to go out of the rancour. Say to yourselves that it’s time to pursue your path without waiting for her approval.

“I DO NOT FEEL THAT YOU ARE HAPPY”

It is often difficult for a daughter to allow herself the right to be happy when her own mother is not. Having said that, no fate prevails and if the one who gave us life is outstanding, it can be preferable to bring up the topic. “But be careful, it can be profitable and liberating only if you are not in any balance of power. We need love and tenderness to mention this delicate topic without falling into guilt”, warns the psychoanalyst. Also, take care to weigh your words so as to avoid awakening her susceptibility. To stay subtle, there is only one solution: prepare the meeting by working on your speech.

“I LOVE YOU, MUM”

We said it for a long time and even wrote it on our child’s drawings. Then, over the years, we got used to keeping silent about our love, in case she takes advantage of it or abuses it. Today, as you both get older, you have to rethink. Don’t you think that it would be a good idea to assure her of your love? Of course, if you feel the desire to tell it, then do. But how should you express it? “Without being afraid or becoming pathetic,”recommends Claudia Fliess. “By taking her in your arms. By telling her how much you care about her.” She may be surprised, which is normal. This kind of declaration can surprise a woman of her generation, not accustomed to such emotional demonstrations. And if she formulates nothing in return, don’t be paranoid. Don’t waste this beautiful moment; wake up and escape your usual mannerisms. Give. Give generously to the end”, concludes the psychoanalyst.

Stéphanie Torre