How to talk about sex in a relationship?

Fabienne Broucaret 12 Sep 2015 updated the 6 October 2015 à 22:28

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1. Be clear with yourself
Before expressing your feelings to your partner, it would be good to take stock within your own thoughts. Why did you, for example, want to 'spice up' your sex life? Is it dissatisfaction? Boredom? A fantasy? If you want to talk to your man you need to answer these questions. "A good knowledge of oneself is a great help," says Céline Béguian. Ask yourself beforehand on your own pleasures, your desires, your desires, your fantasies, etc.
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2. Choose the right time and place
"For some, it will be at a dinner with friends, for others, in bed, before or after the usual antics," explains Céline Béguian. This can be done spontaneously or during aseparate appointment, fixed in advance. There are no rules. It really depends on the couple. The important thing is to pick a time during which you feel is good for both, with time ahead. so avoid the middle of an argument for addressing this topic! "If you have any negatives to express, it is probably better to leave your home and opt for a neutral place to talk." If you have trouble initiating conversation, it may be wise to go together in seeking better verbal exchange. Communication is encouraged because it helps the couple express what they want. And then there is often more comfortable conversations done than in a conventional sex shop. However, vendors are used to answering questions, which frees speech. You'll surely leave with new perspectives!"
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3. Emphasise the positive
Before discussing what's wrong, do not forget to talk about anything that has been going well. "Women need attention to feel loved, as much as a man needs to feel we have confidence in them to achieve their full potential," says Yvon Dallaire, author of Ten strategies for talking to your man: successful dialogue in the couple. If you value and remember your other half, he will be more open to dialogue and more receptive to your potential criticism. He will not have the impression that you doubt him."
In Talking about sexuality and love, it animates how Brigitte Martel offers an exercise to avoid focusing on the negative things, "Take a sheet each, draw three columns: one for what you like (to continue), one for what you do not like (stop) and what you would like to try (starting). Then read the lists to exchange from specific requests of each. This usually creates a positive dynamic and creative ideas, even if there is, of course, no obligation to say yes to all the other offers."
4. For editions Youth.
5. More information sexe-amour-psy.fr
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4. Expressing feelings
If you talk about yourself and your emotions, you invite your partner to a discussion where he will also share how he feels. He will not have the impression of being judged or belittled. And you will avoid causing injury.
"To say 'I', it is also a way of being an actress of your desire, to be invested in your relationship, says Céline Béguian. A relationship where everyone is full. This can also release the expressions of your partner. Do not hesitate to give him the tracks, to guide. Thus, avoid "You're too much/not enough..." (which returns the other to a problem that is only yours) and propose instead: "I prefer it when you are...and I like it when you...because...". The criticism will be constructive if one learns the other things about you while being reassuring."
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5. Listen to each other
Initiating communication is good, but we must be prepared to listen sympathetically to what your partner tells you."Sexuality is such a delicate subject that we tend to interpret everything, cut the other to justify or to recover issues personally concerned," regrets Brigitte Martel. Or, finding out the welcome speech of the other is very important. To achieve this, you can set a talk time without interference. Tell everyone in your turn for 5 or 10 minutes, even put a stopwatch to express what you feel. Then agree on a time to find solutions.The feeling of being (really) listened in itself is very foolish. "
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6. Playing the card of lightness
Her striptease was not as exciting as that of Channing Tatum's in Magic Mike? Your attempt to pole dance in the living room was a flop? Do not cry, laugh! Humour always helps to dramatise the situation. "Never forget that sexuality is a game, it's not something serious or dramatic, Sonia insists Feertchak, author of Women are emmerdent to bed.
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7. Be bold
Suppose you want your nights to be more "wild". If you are in a happy sexual mood, there's no obligation to speak first. Why don't you take the initiative of a rowdier time causing his desire in an unexpected place and in a different way? Take the lead by claiming your dominance.
If you hesitate to launch without nets, Brigitte Martel recommends the game of the King and the Queen: "For an hour, two hours, or for an entire evening, you have the right to ask your partner what they want . It has, of course, a wildcard. And then we reverse roles! It is thus surprising the other, improvise, break the routine, ask for things we normally would not dare, while operating in a safe environment. "
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8. Use touch
"Hold her hand, move closer to him, touch his arm," says the Canadian psychologist Yvon Dallaire. This will create a sense of privacy and trust in which your man will be more sensitive and vulnerable. As you move physically closer to him, you capture his attention and he will be more open emotionally. Placing some sensuality in your discussion won't hurt! "
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9. Be creative
"There are several very pleasant ways to approach sexuality in marriage," welcomes Sonia Feertchak. To get messages or generate discussion, why not read certain passages aloud including novels, erotic poems or watch a movie together? Caution, not the heavy artillery of X-ratings, but rather films like The Piano - it's not every day you get the chance to see a woman's film, Jane Campion here, raising her gaze tp a man's body - or Fatale, Louis Malle, or more recent and feminine too, Fidelio: Alice's Journey, Lucie Borleteau? They are diverted approaches that can be good mediators. I also find that sexting is a much more effective way to create the desire to say "Honey, I need to talk to you!". By sending an SMS, we often dare to give more sensual and spicy details."
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10. Share fantasies, a good idea
"Fantasies are handled with care. They are our libido reservoir, they feed the desire. We must differentiate between the sexual act itself. Before talking about your fantasies with your partner, ask yourself what he will feel, how he will accommodate. If he is jealous, is it really a good idea to tell him that you fantasise about a a three-way relationship? If your fantasies can destabilise or put it uncomfortably, it is better to keep them to yourself as an excitation source. If, however, your erotic imagination helps to invent new sexual games that appeal to him, go for it! "
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11. Is it all mean?
The opinion of the psychotherapist Céline Béguia.
"In Lacan the idea that the lack of desire is born, so do not absolutely seek to abolish the boundary between self and othera, just wanting to stay still or be completely transparent. Finally, freedom is being able to choose to say yes or no, is to create its own formula."

Shame, fear of upsetting or breaking the romance… It is not always easy to talk about sexuality in marriage. How to tell your desires to him, what one likes and what irks us?

“To have great sex, the key word is communication,” said sex therapist Brigitte Martel. The most dangerous for the relationship, is the silence, the criticisms and frustrations. It is important to say what we like and what we dislike. Except that often we do not dare. Modesty, too, is a sexuality that is intimate and emotionally charged.

“We imagine that under ‘love one another’ is doing it, or the fact that we are so familiar with each other, our partner can guess what we like or dislike in bed, what we need,” analyzes clinical psychologist Céline Béguian. It is a mistake because, as close as we are, our lover remains different from us, he sees reality through its own history. The exchange in all its forms is therefore necessary in the relationship. Often, the fumbling, awkwardness, and flashbacks in the discussion are what enlivens the relationship.

So, yes to communication! If there are no universal rules or miracle cures, careful nonetheless not to fall into the technical instruction manual. It’s all about dosing. Words, then, and well-chosen moments too.

Fabienne Broucaret and Nur Syazana H.

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How to talk about sex in a relationship?

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