Megalomaniacs: How can we manage them?

You have a colleague who puts him/herself in the limelight ceaselessly; a friend who doesn’t stop talking about him/herself; a brother who always acts superior to you … How do you deal with a person who has an inflated ego? Psychiatrist Laurent Schmitt provides some answers.

HOW CAN WE RECOGNISE PEOPLE WITH AN OVERSIZED EGO?

Laurent Schmitt: They have a very high vision of themselves. This may be a way of overcompensating for a whole range of issues; for example, being the least loved child or living with a physical disability. Everybody needs a moderate ego in order to have self-respect; however, when this ego asserts itself at the expense of others, when we try constantly to dominate others or don’t care about their thoughts and feelings, the oversized ego becomes something pathological. These people gather around them emotions such as admiration, but also humiliation, injustice or inferiority. It is sometimes very difficult to live with them.

ARE THEY CONSCIOUS OF THEIR IMPACT ON OTHERS?

L.S.: Not necessarily. When we have an exacerbated ego, we “just” want to dominate; to be the alpha. It is different in the case of narcissistic perverts, who develop a deliberate strategy and enjoy the suffering they inflict on others.

HOW CAN YOU DEAL WITH A COLLEAGUE WHO HAS AN OVERSIZED EGO?

L.S.: Take the time to think. Speak about your concerns to a neutral and trusted person. This will help you obtain an outside view of the situation and can validate your feelings. In case of a temporary crisis of ego, it is better to grin and bear it. In such situations, let it go instead of opting for confrontation.

WHAT IF IT LASTS? WHICH ATTITUDE SHOULD WE ADOPT?

L.S.: If you have to deal with someone who has a strong and persistent ego and you are ready to fight, be prepared. Be aware that you could be persecuted, since the person with an oversized ego regards criticism as an attack. Taking such action requires knowing what you are worth, what you do and asking for gratitude in return, without excess. Try to express your point of view in the most serene and respectful way possible. If you have objections or remarks, be specific; thereby demonstrating that you understand his/her perspective. State the facts, express your disagreement, suggest a solution and do not hesitate to underline the positive consequences for everybody. Above all, do not make generalisations, such as “You always act superior to others!”

WHY DO YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO PEOPLE IN THAT WAY?

L.S.: It is important to respect conventions, otherwise these people could become hostile. Any casualness could create tension, such as forgetting to greet them, not recognizing their strengths. A lack of respect can remind them that you laugh at them or that you have already set up a plan of destabilisation intended to damage them. Also, avoid immediate reactions, such as tears or anger. This is ineffective and will discredit you.

HOW SHOULD WE REACT TO SOMEONE WHO TAKES ALL THE CREDIT FOR A WORK ACCOMPLISHMENT?

L.S.: If you feel able to assert yourself, express clearly the specific areas in which you contributed to this work. In the future, take the initiative: require that, from now on, all documents must note the achievements of each person involved. Discussing this at the beginning of a project will avoid any issues at the end. This practice is very common in the scientific world.

IS IT ALWAYS PROBLEMATIC TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS AN OVERSIZED EGO?

L.S.: No, some couples are built on an imbalance. One likes to shine, arousing admiration; the other one prefers to stand back. The most important factor is that the dynamic suits both parties. But it becomes unbearable when the oversized ego partner is despised, and depreciates you systematically. It also has an adverse effect on self-respect.

WHEN SHOULD A SPECIALIST BE CONSULTED?

L.S.: When you suffer from the exacerbated ego of a partner, when you try in vain to convey your point of view, when you consider a separation.

The need to be recognized and the suffering incurred when it is not met is expressed increasingly in the psychiatrist’s office. A third party can help communicate, create some distance and identify the attitudes that both parties need to improve. Remember, we do not choose to accidentally  live with a hyper-megalomaniac person…

WHAT ABOUT WHEN IT IS A FRIEND WHO IS MONOPOLISING EVERYTHING?

L.S.: It is necessary to assert yourself; take the initiative to speak about you or your children. If she does not get it and keeps turning the conversation back to her, confess that her behaviour has become unbearable. Explain to her the way you feel. She certainly will not even have realised that her attitude bothers you.

AS PARENTS, HOW CAN WE PREVENT OUR CHILDREN FROM DEVELOPING AN EXACERBATED EGO?

L.S.: It is essential to set rules and boundaries, and stick to them. Many adults with an oversized ego were children for whom everything was allowed. Yet, in life, we all have rules to which we must adhere. The hyper-megalomaniacs have the conviction that they do not have to follow the same rules and constraints as others; a phenomenon amplified by social networks.

Fabienne BROUCARET