Holding Grudges: I’m not vindictive but…

… I HATE MY COLLEAGUE

Jessica, 36, management agent, in a relationship, childless.

“At home, I do what I want. I like my decoration a bit cluttered and gaily coloured. I hunt for antiques a lot and I buy what pleases me without caring about standards or trends. It’s OK that a friend makes a suggestion, but not if it comes from an acquaintance. My home is my nest, my refuge. I haven’t always had a real home, so now it really matters to me. My boyfriend likes this caravan side, but he does not live here permanently. Recently, an office colleague whom I invited to have coffee said; ‘Well what a mess! Does your boyfriend bear with it?’ Her place is probably as Zen as a hospital room. This coffee break turned into an express espresso. From then on, I have resented her. At the office, if I see her struggling with a file, I will not lift a finger to help. I am hard to shift.”

… I HAVE AN EXCELLENT MEMORY

Véronique, 49, school teacher, married, two children.

“I forget nothing… which is a shame for others! I also recognise I love giving lessons to people; I am quick to tell people what they have to do or think. But I will never forgive my brother’s girlfriend for snubbing me in public, telling me ‘You still behave like a teacher’. I had given some instructions about a trip to the river’s edge. At the time, I did not respond to her comment, but I did not sleep well for three nights in a row. I did not want to take this trip (I gave a phony pretext) and when we re-met, I found a good moment to tell her off: ‘If your collection does not work, you can change your job’ (She is in the fabric furniture business). She raised her eyebrows and pursued the conversation. My rancour doubled.”

… I RUMINATED UNTIL THE MIGRAINE

Zigrid, 39, a drugstore assistant, married, a child.

“This is a note to those who think that they have to tell me that I gained weight or that my hair colour could be better. This summer, my neighbour told me; ‘With this hot weather, being this overweight must be heavy’. I answered, ‘Yes, it’s evident, I am pregnant’. Seven months into my pregnancy, I had already gained 20kg. It is difficult to assume because, I was big as a child, and had always worried about my weight. This clumsy remark ruined my day. I fulminated against the neighbour, by repeating her words 10 times. My spouse could not bear my ruminations any more. I felt bad for not having made a scathing retort. It gave me headaches. But she came to my place a few days later to apologise; she understood that she had hurt me. Her sincerity touched me and I eventually turned the page.”

… I AM STILL MAD AT MY PARENTS

Marylou, 32, nurse, single, childless.

“I have grievances that my parents favoured my eldest sister; finding her more beautiful and more intelligent than me. I wore her clothes, I played on her old piano, and was taught by some of her teachers (they also compared us). I am still mad at my parents, even if 20 years later, it should have been resolved. But I can’t forget the resentment. I became allergic to gluten and require special attention and menus. When I visit them in the province, I want them to bend over backwards for me. My sister, twice failed the business school exams and, even if I made less brilliant studies, I passed them straight away, driving license included. It is ugly, but I savour the vengeance. The ugly duckling has transformed into a swan and I am still not ready to issue forgiveness.”

… I HAD MY REVENGE

Natacha, 45, professor of Russian, divorced, a child.

“With love, I set the bar rather high. I consider that I give a lot, thus I want at least the same in return. For me, love is an exchange. But, finally, I believe that all men are infantile and inconsistent! The latest one always calls me back late. For our first romantic weekend, he did not show an overflowing imagination, taking me to an attractive city but one I had already visited. I had my revenge… For his birthday, I gave him a tie (the perfect unoriginal gift) and when he sends me an e-mail, offering to take me to the movies, I do not answer within the hour, even if it means missing the session. Like that, we are both deprived of seeing the movie. It is tiring, certainly, but I need to have the last word.”

Fabienne Broucaret

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Holding grudges reveal a problem with self confidence