Self confidence: How to free yourself from the opinions of others?
updated the 24 June 2015 à 10:28How can we free ourselves from what other people think and make our own decisions? We ask psychologist Cécile Kapfer for advise.
Stella, 30 years old, in a relationship, no children: “What other people think dictates my behaviour so much that when I have to make a decision, I always ask for their opinions, sometimes even when buying a piece of clothing. In my everyday actions and even in my life decisions, I always wonder, “Is this going to please people, won’t they criticise me?” I’m always looking for things that will please others, or at least displease them less. I try to get out of this pattern taught by my culture, but it is difficult and sometimes oppressive. Is there a solution so that my choices are, finally, really mine?”
The response of psychologist Cécile Kapfer, author of “21 keys to a fulfilling life” (Jouvence edition):
“First, I want to say that dependence on the opinions of others is a condition that goes well beyond specific cultures… The problem is that referring to others to make your decisions may make you a chameleon, you disappear, and, in the end, you lose. It may even become an addiction. It is an attitude that feeds your fears and pushes you towards constant self-censorship. It really inhibits the ability to act of your own accord.
Getting yourself out of this mentality is to live a whole new learning process. This may involve a lot of reasoning and asking yourself questions like “What do I really want in life? The desires and choices of others? Mine? Which do I choose?” You can train yourself daily by making small decisions: The dish at the restaurant, the menu for the dinner you are organising next Saturday, the outfit you will wear to office tomorrow… You should neither block out your own opinions nor be in denial, but instead make real decisions that you will take with pleasure. Then, for making bigger decisions, such as a career change for example, you may request for the advice and guidance to your loved ones. Make a mental note of what they think about it, then take into account your own thoughts as well, make your own opinion, and then take your own decision. Because others are not you, and nobody is living your life for you. It does not work to look for things that will please other people, do what pleases you!
Making choices can awaken fear in you for certain reasons. However, it is useless to let yourself be overwhelmed by doubt. Rely instead on your feelings, your intuition and your instincts. Learn how to listen to your deepest feelings. Because doubt is all in the mind – imagine that your thoughts are parasitized to the point that you can no longer think for yourself. Evidently, you will not be able to do anything. To overcome this deadlock, one could get me to accompany a patient to a store, for example. This kind of “psychotherapy of reality” allows a better understanding of what makes them uncomfortable in making decisions, and thus also allows them to position themselves differently, such that the decision is no longer a problem.
If the dependency in relation to others’ opinions endures, it is often a sign of lack of self-confidence, one of the main motives for consulting others. There may have been something in your personal history that caused it – was there, for example, an overprotective parent, a restricted childhood, or a prevalent family situation? Lack of trust can also result in real problems existing with yourself, to find your place, to find the right distance from others, not allowing your space to be invaded without retreating … Tell yourself “I’m not the others, others are not me, we each have our own desires, and this is not a problem.”
Finally, note that making your own choices is to express your individuality, bring a personal touch and move towards greater freedom. You can never please everyone, so dare to do what you really like! Your relationships with others will be not tarnished – quite the contrary in fact, because the idea that you are doing what others want is not necessarily accurate. By daring to make your own decisions and taking ownership of them, you blossom more and your relationships with others will really improve. It is a win-win strategy for everyone.”
Interview by Fabienne Broucaret
