Learn how to accept…compliments

As with gifts, instead of satisfying our need for recognition, sometimes compliments leave us on the defensive, almost equivalent to when receiving criticism. When congratulated on our work, we grumble: “I didn’t do it all on my own.” When complimented on our outfit of the day…a nervous grimace and an awkward silence ensue.

 “We are all handicapped when it comes to receiving,” assures psychologist Jacques Salomé (3). At the moment when we could probably show how the remark has touched us, and share the fun with others, we instead doubt. Maybe he is mocking us. Maybe he (or she) is expecting something in return. Maybe we are going to seem somewhat pretentious if we simply accept it.” It is too much of a waste to wallow in our doubt. Allow others to value us, teach yourself how to do it and allow it in the process, become a more mature human being.

Congratulate yourself already:

The retreat when facing praise strikes those who have been criticized or constantly chastised by their parents at an early age…but also, surprisingly, those who were too valued. “Telling a child that everything he does is wonderful in plain words is just as damaging as to constantly denounce everything he does,” says psychoanalyst Isabel Korolitski. This results in distrust towards adult speech, there is a permanent doubt cast upon it.”

Good news is, we are not incurable. Allowing others to appreciate us and judging ourselves less severely is possible. One solution is to compliment yourself… to better accept the praise that is placed upon us.

Conceal your pride:

You dread compliments that are thrown at you for fear of ending up being indebted? Say the magic word! Try saying “thank you” to accept positive words without feeling like you are putting yourself in danger. Seriously, try it. Another option: allow yourself to show your vulnerability. Are you being commended for your efforts at work? Rather than bringing yourself down by saying that it did not cost you much, specify how much more pleased that you worked hard and all that effort paid off. Otherwise, seeing you brush aside their compliments may instead result in them thinking that you give no credit to their views. Or worse, that you actually have no merit…

Behind the refusal to be openly appreciated sometimes hides another reason: the fear of being pretentious. Blame it on our Asian culture and upbringing. The remedy? Again, let’s look back to our Asian upbringing – humility. It’s paradoxical, but not accepting a compliment to avoid seeming pretentious is a tad… proud.

“If you really want to be humble, isn’t accepting the opinions of others a way to do exactly that?” Isabel Korolitski asks. Even better – “inability to bear bring applauded for a single personality trait means that you cannot deal with being imperfect on every other facet. However, becoming a mature adult is to accept that every human being has strengths and weaknesses.”

“Giving up wanting to be universal and admitting that you cannot please everyone are important to finally accept that certain people may love only certain aspects of us,” she continues. So leave aside all the stress and receive the compliments you are offered with an open heart. Make the effort to hear those compliments for what they are: nothing but generous words which ultimately are not binding. The advantage? The psychoanalyst assures, “If you can answer positively to compliments, you will probably be much better at accepting feedback as well…”

 3. Author of “What would I do if I was myself” (Éditions de l’Homme).

 

To continue reading our report on “Learning how to accept“:

Learn how to accept… gifts.

Stéphanie Torre