Spying on others demonstrates a confidence problem in itself
Is spying a result of lacking self-confidence? Frederick Fanget, psychiatrist and psychotherapist sheds some light on the subject.
WHEN DOES CURIOSITY BECOME UNHEALTHY?
Frédéric Fanget: Wanting to know what happens is a legitimate feeling. Rushing outside after hearing a noise of crumpled sheets, for example, or to learn about someone’s neighbours is human reaction. This curiosity that drives us to spy on others is not necessarily unhealthy, especially when it comes to superficial social relations, that is to say, not involving our intimate circle. It can also be a helpful and encouraging mutual aid, even if sometimes it pushes us to conduct ourselves in a rude manner. There is probably no reason to worry. If, however, you spend all your days hiding behind your window to watch the comings and goings of your neighbours, then you fall into pathological behavior of voyeurism. It all depends on the level of curiosity.
WHAT ARE THE LIMITS NOT TO CROSS?
Again, this depends on the context. For example, I myself have advised one of my patients, who was going through a divorce, to spy on the bank account of her husband. Why? Because he was a manipulator who could put his transactions on the line. In a case like this, the intrusion is justified and the only appropriate conduct. In others, it may fall into the delusion of jealousy. Thus patients who spend their time spying on their husbands because they constantly imagine being deceived can be unhealthy.
WHAT HIDES THIS HABIT OF SPYING?
When one spies on their own inner circle, like their spouse or best friend, what is at stake is generally not a disability to trust others, but their own self-confidence. If their confidence is unstable – because it is based primarily on what is called “the approval trust,” which means that they do not love themselves even if others love them – they tend to live in fear of losing those who matter. So, they develop behaviours for verification and to make sure everything goes well, like their spouse or best friend and do not prefer someone else. Finally, this spy mania is also indicative of a difficulty to be assertive. What they do is that they dare not ask the information of interest directly to their spouse, child, etc. With children, it is necessary, unless imminent danger, to really refrain from playing detective as this is as if to say, “I do not trust you.” Now it is in the younger years that we acquire the necessary self-confidence, transmitted by single parents. Then it’s too late.
Frédéric Fanget is the author of Dare Therapy confidence (Ed. Odile Jacob, 2006) and second edition (ed. Odile Jacob, 2013).
Chloé Belleret and Nur Syazana H.
