Testimony: Broken friendships

“25 YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP GO UP IN SMOKE BECAUSE OF A SMALL DELAY” – ELISE, 47 YEARS, ARCHITECT.

“I lived tragically intense moments with Anne, during the illness and death of her husband. I was the godmother of her two boys. I even bought an apartment next to hers to be closer to each other. We went on holiday together for twenty-five years. That was enough time to create strong links and to know each other very well. At least, that was what I thought. Five years ago, I was invited to dinner at her place as usual.

It turns out that this day was a disastrous day at work. The incidents weren’t stopping; I handled emergencies, one after the other – it was a real panic. At 8 pm, I called her to inform her that I was going to leave and that I shall be certainly a little late. My voice was maybe tensed, in a hurry, but remained pleasant from my point of view. I arrived forty-five minutes later. As soon as she opened the door, I felt a cold atmosphere. I thought that I had arrived at a bad moment – that there had been some tension and so perhaps I could make the atmosphere warmer by making everybody laugh.

I put my down bag, and there it goes. In a very violent anger, she offended me, blaming me for my misbehavior and, more widely, for my egoism, for my lack of consideration and so on because of this delay. I was absolutely confused and shocked. Speechless. I left by telling her that obviously there was something wrong and that it would be better to talk about it later, in calmer conditions. I was literally in shock. The next day, she didn’t answer my calls. As with the next days. I decided to write her. I apologized again, even if I considered that it was a minor incident. But I guessed that this excessive reaction hid other reproaches, hurts that she had never talked to me about. I gave her many chances to speak about it, to clarify things together. Nothing. No answers. I asked her boyfriend, her sister, her mother, whom I knew very well, questions. Nothing. Since then, I have to live with this heavy silence caused by an unknown but serious reproach that I had never felt before. It is horrible. I can’t speak about it without crying. I feel abandoned and guilty, but I do not know why, nor about what.”

“SOME CHANGES MESSED THINGS UP” – LOLA, 37 YEARS OLD, PRIMARY SCHOOL TEACHER.

“Manon was a friend of a friend with whom I had really empathized. We saw each other very often. The closeness of our apartments developed a stronger link. We almost had the same lifestyle. Without official lovers, we went out a lot. Six years ago, I left my single status. I met the one who was to become my husband. I felt that it changed something with Manon. She kind of raised hell with me. She sulked. But as I hate conflict, I did not dare to get things perfectly clear. I silently bared with her mood swings until we had to go to a birthday of a friend in the countryside. We came back by car. She refused to share the driving pretending that she was tired. As if I was not. And, when we arrived, she left me alone in front of my home, with all the picnic equipment exclaiming, “You can find somebody to help you, I am exhausted!” It was a Sunday, 11:30 pm and I lived on the 5th floor without an elevator. It was the end of our friendship. There was no way I was going to answer her calls. I still don’t understand why I enabled her to torture me so much. Worse, when I come across her, I feel guilty. As if I was responsible for having broken our friendship.”

“I WAS GIVING TOO MUCH!” – ANAÏS, 34 YEARS, PHARMACIST.

“Leila was a childhood friend with whom I studied. At the end of our studies, she had terrible depression. I was next to her all the time; very often I’ll sleep at her place to not leave her alone. With Leila’s condition and school, it was a very hard period for me. One evening, we were invited to a party. I was too tired, so I declined. But Leila wanted to go. She insisted that I come and offered to take me back by car. We lived in the province. I thus accepted to go just for her. When the time to return arrived, Leila was gone. She went back home with her car without me. I was alone, begging people who I didn’t know very well, to take me back home at 2 am. I never wanted to speak to her again. I felt betrayed, and literally abandoned! I was very angry. And then, I calmed down, I even felt relieved. I gave her too much. I wonder today if she didn’t deliberately make it happen, unconsciously, to rupture our link. It was obviously too intense”.

“WE COULD NOT SHARE THE SAME LOVE” – NICOLE, 36, HR MANAGER.

“My best friend was madly in love with one of our acquaintances Pierre. It was love without any return. She declared to him her love but he explained very kindly that he didn’t share her feelings. But she kept this crush for him. At that time, I lived in England. I returned regularly to the city where everyone else lived. A little bit by chance, between my round trips, I began a relationship with Pierre. I didn’t think that it would lead to anything serious. And then, in time, we noticed that it wasn’t just a casual relationship. I had no courage to announce it to my best friend. It is thus Pierre, who telephoned to tell it to her. To him it was stupid to have to justify himself towards someone with whom he had had no relation. On hearing those words, she cried, screamed and then came to his place and offended us. Ten years later, I still feel upset by her hysteria. She thought she had lost, at the same time, the object of her desire and a great friend.”

“A REAL TREASON” – ORIANNE, 45 YEARS, BUSINESS MANAGER.

“I worked in the broadcasting environment where we often work with close relations. I wanted to build a website with a friend. That was an incredible adventure. It was amazing. We did everything together: work, but also our evenings, our weekends, our holidays… I became the godmother of one of her sons; she was just the perfect first mate. Our project was born, we surfed on the success. It was a euphoric time. And then, in this very competitive world, we began to meet serious difficulties. We were very stressed. I thought that we had to completely revise our project. She thought that we had to fight until the last breath. Little by little, I felt that she isolated me. She invited the team for lunch without me. She left to go to meetings alone. I felt bad, but I didn’t dare to say it. I wanted to seem strong. Then at a Board of Directors meeting she announced to me that she had found investors ready to bail us out provided that I leave! As if I was responsible for everything. I felt totally betrayed. The fact that it came from her and that she did all of this without warning me; it was a hateful plot. When I went out of the boards of directors, we had a very serious argument as I had never had with anybody before. I still dream about it. When we sometimes come across each other, we look away. I hold a grudge against her.”

Read more on our friendship report:

Friendship: How to overcome a painful breakup?

Fanny Dalbera