Relationships: Understanding and preventing emotional co-dependency
updated the 13 June 2014 à 23:38How not to lose yourself whilst in a relationship? Psychotherapist Catherine Dupont gives us some insight and tips to avoid co-dependency.
How can you recognize emotional dependency in a relationship?
In the sense of loss of freedom and loss of self that is felt. A mask for fear of losing the other one is worn. We prevent ourselves from, for example, going out with friends or doing something we love, because we imagine that it will displease our companions. And we suffer from it. Dependence begins when we get so obsessed with the idea of preserving the link with our other half at all costs, to the point that we change ourselves to continue to please him. If the other person prevents us from finding ourselves and seeks to control our actions, we gradually leave our own desires for him and we distance ourselves – sometimes unconsciously – from who we really are. However, we can love neither the one we own, nor the one who seeks to possess us. Lasting love only works in freedom. This is a sine qua non to love, but also friendship and, more generally, any harmonious relationship.
How to find this essential freedom?
First, it is necessary to recognise that we are in a relationship of emotional dependency, and then to understand why. The origins often begin in childhood and in the relationships maintained with parents. There also usually is, in particular, the fear of abandonment. We must then be brave enough to change that. This means daring to expose yourself to the loss of the other. To achieve this, there is not just one way – for some, reading articles on self-confidence will be sufficient, for others, only psychotherapy will suffice. In any case, it is important to be clear about your values, take the time to understand what is important to you, and thus determine what is negotiable or not. Within the couple, say yes to concessions and no to compromise! I would also recommend engaging in a fulfilling activity, which helps you to achieve and regain confidence.
Is it always possible to get out of this addiction?
No, even when love is present. It may happen that one of the two does not support the changes induced. This happens especially when the shift is sudden. When one suffers in silence for too long, the changes will be brutal and the other may not understand. The more slowly adjustments are made, the greater the chance of getting there.
Catherine Dupont identifies the profiles of two lovers:
– The guilty personality. She thinks she has received a lot, especially during childhood, and therefore finds it normal to give, and to chase after other people’s desires.
– The abandoning personality. She is much more likely to take. She needs to be comforted and pampered.
Fabienne Boucaret
Read more relationship advice on Marie France Asia:
– 9 Keys to re-ignite the passion in your relationship
– 4 Tips to stimulate desire in the bedroom
– Sex: 7 Days to make him crack
