How can you resolve sex problems?

Learn more about what sex problems tend to refer to and how to work around them with some expert advice from the Singapore-based Tammy Fontana, who is a certified Mental Health Counsellor.

MFA: In your opinion, what are sex problems?

Tammy Fontana: This is hard to answer, because people come in thinking they have a sex problem, but I often see other issues that I would not really call a ‘sex problem’ but it will create problems for the couple to have sex.

A lot of what creates difficulties around sex for people are their firm and rigid beliefs about what is right or wrong, good or bad, deviant or normal behavior. Many of our beliefs about sex and what is normal comes from when we were adolescents or from our first experience of sex or often porn, or what you hear friends talk about. Not great areas to learn about sex. What is most helpful for couples struggling with sex is to really look at and evaluate their beliefs about sex. They may also need to look at issues going on in their relatoinship

So when people have unrealistic or just flat out wrong beliefs about sex, it is the meaning they give to what is happening during sex or the lack of sex. Rarely are sex problems ever about the actual mechanics of sex. Sex problems often reflect issues outside the bedroom, namely struggles with power and control in the relationship.

So after stating that, I would say a problem is defined by the couple, if one or both are not satisfied with how it is working in their relationship then it would be a problem.

So to summarize sex problems are about one or many of the following.

• Self-image (including body image)
• Self-criticism
• Lack of self-acceptance
• Hostility
• Ignorance & misinformation
• Guilt & shame
• Unreasonable expectations
• Existential issues (e.g., fear of aging)
• Not wanting to make choices
• The desire for a sense of autonomy
• Communication
• Values
• Performance pressure
• Ambivalence about the relationship
• Let’s not forget power

MFA: How should a couple seek to resolve them?

T.F.: People give a lot of meaning to seeking help so often they see counseling as a last resort which is not good. Waiting too long can mean that you missed the window of opportunity to really make effective changes or that it will be harder to make the necessary changes. So I would say go earlier than later for help.

I would encourage people to challenge their meaning of seeking help. People give it a negative meaning, that they see seeking help as a failure. Well I can help a lot and it’s easier for me to help people when they still have good will and feel good about the relationship. Unfortunately, many people wait too long, nd they come to me when they no longer like their partner which then means there are more serious problems to deal with… sex is the least concern when couples are so checked out of their relationship.

MFA: Is sex used as a way to stay in a relationship? Why?

T.F.: This is a tough one, generally I would have to say no. If someone is having obligatory sex or sex under duress to save the relationship, this is not going to be good or fun sex. Remember our talk about the brain. If I’m trying to DO SEX while BEING/ THINKING I’m afraid I’ll lose you – this isn’t going to be good, fun or satisfying sex for either party. You can feel someone’s intention. Sex is a form of communication and way to play with another person. It’s hard to be fun and playful when I’m afraid I’ll lose you. If you really think you’ll lose because you don’t have sex with them, this is not a sex problem it is a relationship problem.

MFA: Why would someone not prefer to initiate sex?

T.F.: Often people have really good reasons as to why they don’t want to initiate sex:

• They don’t expect to enjoy it: not initiating sex you don’t expect to enjoy isn’t a pathology, it’s common sense. It’s the same reason I don’t order broccoli in restaurants – I don’t expect to enjoy it.

• They don’t expect their partner to accept: everyone needs to be able to hear the word ‘no’ without collapsing. But when experience (or bitterness or even guilt) predicts that ‘no’ is the likeliest answer, not asking is understandable.

• They anticipate criticism: “Oh, you’re finally initiating?”; “Suggesting sex? I guess you want something from me”; “If you’re inviting me to have sex, it better be more than a quickie”… if this is what someone expects when they initiate, it’s no wonder they don’t.

• They’re tired of initiating: Some people are fine doing virtually all the initiating, as long as the answer is usually “yes.” But some people feel such a pattern is humiliating, and they’d rather break the cycle, even if it means less sex. Or at least that’s what they think when they stop initiating.

• They don’t feel attractive or desired: When people think “sex is for other people” or “my partner would prefer sex with someone else, but settles for me,” that can drain the energy out of any erotic situation – and discourage someone from translating sexual feelings into sexual interest.

• They experience ‘foreplay’ as a chore or as one-sided: if you don’t enjoy the kissing, hugging, and transition from not-sex to sex, initiating what lies beyond ‘foreplay’ typically seems like a lot of effort for low return.

• They’re waiting to feel incredibly horny: when beginning our sexual careers, desire generally feels overwhelming, unambiguous, irresistible. Ten or twenty years into a relationship, desire typically feels calmer, more rational, more easily directed or postponed. If people in long-term relationships are waiting until they feel sexually ravenous, they may wait forever – and never initiate again.

MFA: What are some of the common concerns amongst Singaporeans?

T.F.: I don’t think Singaporeans have unique concerns about sex. Singaporeans like all people have the same concerns about what is ‘normal’ or ‘good’ and healthy. They struggle with the meaning of sex or problems. So what I’ve seen is that people are more alike then they are different.

Tammy Fontana is a Singapore-based certified Mental Health Counsellor with All in the Family Counselling. For more information, click here.