Did you know the mind is the most important sex organ?

When it comes to sex and intercourse, it’s important to ensure that the focus lies in being sexual rather than simply doing the act right. And in that sense, the mind becomes the most important sex organ. Lean more about what that means with expert advice from the Singapore-based Tammy Fontana, who is a certified Mental Health Counsellor.

Marie France Asia: How is the mind the most important sex organ?

Tammy Fontana: Sex organs are not complicated organs. The penis or the vagina is not a complicated organ. The kidney or the heart is a complicated organ. Instead the most important sex organ in the body is the brain or the mind, a very important sex organ that is critical for intimate interpersonal sex. Good will, contentment with your partner, cooperation, compatibility, respect and the ability to get along are prerequisites for sex within a relationship – these are run by brain or mind.

If the mind is too preoccupied with hurt, anger or resentment it won’t have space to consider desire, passion or love making with their partner. The body will start to reflect the mind’s unhappiness with men losing their erections and women not able to lubricate or relax their vaginal muscles. Often what can happen if this carries on is that one or both will lose interest in sex or initiating it.

If you are trying DO sex but your mind is thinking ‘I’m so angry at you or I’m so hurt by you’, the sex organs won’t work. You need to be/ think erotic thoughts to do erotic things.

MFA: How would you encourage one to be more sexual?

T.F.: People need to step back and examine their beliefs about sex. Again you cannot always DO sexy or sexual, it is often a way of being sexual. Being sexual isn’t necessarily tied to how you dress or act but is more about how you feel about yourself, your body and life.

Often these beliefs about sex and sexuality are preventing individuals from being able to truly enjoy sex and their individual sexuality. Sexuality is not a strict recipe, it’s a way of being and thinking that drives behaviour.

Often because of their culture or religion, people will get very negative messages about sex or their body. Many women are ashamed of the smells that their bodies make. Many people have unrealistic or just flat out wrong ideas about how the body works or what is or is not sex. So increasing your sexual and erotic intelligence is a huge part to moving towards accepting yourself, accepting what you find pleasurable as well as accepting the conditions under which you have sex. If you are not able to accept and normalize your own preferences, no gimmicks like makeup or clothes will do it.

MFA: What are the common misconceptions when it comes to not being happy during sex?

T.F.: Gosh, there are so many, but here’s a summary of some realities of sex:

• People have sex when they are tired. The unfortunate reality is that people find it difficult to create a space for fun, interesting and satisfying sex. Having sex when a person is tired makes it feel like a job or work and can create problems for people.
• People believe intercourse is sex and everything else is fore play. Many people have a hierarchy about sexual acts and if it doesn’t conclude with intercourse it is somehow a failure.
• People feel awkward or self-conscious about their body. This is very normal for both sexes, not just women. The fact that people are self-conscious can create problems for people’s ability to stay focused on enjoying themselves or their partner.
• Another thing that is normal and quite common is for adults to masturbate, even when they have a very sexually satisfying sexual life with a partner. This is very true for both men and women.
• Another fact about masturbation is that partners keep it a secret from each other.
• Masturbation is often people’s primary form of sexual expression even in a loving and satisfying relationship.
• A lot of people have never had sex sober. Many people engage in sex when they are altered through drugs or alcohol.
• Many people don’t know what their partner likes in sex. People will know all the details about what their partner likes in food, hygiene, sports, restaurants, physical activity etc.., but they will not know what their partner likes in sex.
• People worry about reaching orgasm and what is a good orgasm. All orgasms are good orgasms, no matter how you achieve it or how your body experiences it. An orgasm is an orgasm.

MFA: How important is the actual act of intercourse to the health of a relationship?

T.F.: It is only as important as a couple decides to make it important…again back to what we discussed early about giving intercourse or sex acts meaning. Intercourse is technically only important if a couple wants to get pregnant, but otherwise, it is just one type of sex a couple can do. So a couple needs to decide how important it is. Do they want intercourse to be the goal (not recommended, too much pressure) or do they want it to be one of the many types of sex they can choose from.

For many women, intercourse is the least effective way to orgasm, so if orgasm is something a person wants, woman may have to do other things in addition to intercourse to orgasm. So being open to all types of sex acts is important for maximum enjoyment. So I think couples need to step back and decide what they want from sex before they start placing a lot of pressure to have one type of sex.

Tammy Fontana is a Singapore-based certified Mental Health Counsellor with All in the Family Counselling. For more information, click here.