9 ways to overcome your temper

#1 Practice self-compassion

Those wounds that cause us to suffer are often related to the things we lack in our past. These may stem from a lack of tenderness, understanding, or love. The everyday upsets of life may awaken these realisations. “Healing is related to the kindness that we can bestow upon ourselves,” says Christopher André*, psychiatrist and psychotherapist. “We must learn to accept ourselves with all our faults, to comfort and to encourage ourselves after a failure. This self-compassion stabilizes our ego, it guards us against the risk of depression and allows us to conserve our energy instead of wasting it in useless anger against ourselves.”

*Author ofLes états d’âme. Un apprentissage de la sérénité(The states of the soul – Learning serenity)(Odile Jacob).

#2 Seek out the benefits

We beat ourselves up, we get frustrated, we get angry… In a contentious couple, there are two individuals who are susceptible. Sex therapist Alain Héril* proposes to look for the unconscious benefits of such behaviour: it may be a way to keep away from each other to avoid intimacy. The goal is to slowly identify the problems that keep us in these states of aggressive attitude. “This is a very effective exercise in introspection – we go back to our past in our own minds, then enter a process of change and mending (or letting go) of our past.”

* Author of Aimer, comment s’aimer soi-même pour aimer les autres (love, how to love yourself to love others) (Flammarion).

#3 Focus on the senses

You are going for a project review where, you know, you may be implicated and questioned. To avoid getting riled up and defensive, Stephanie Hahusseau*, psychiatrist, proposes to focus your attention on your senses. For example, in the car, on the way to the meeting, pay attention to the feel of your hands on the wheel, listen to what is being said on the radio, take in the passing scenery. This is one way to bypass the negative emotional state that predisposes to aggression, and approach your appointment in a constructive rather than destructive state of mind.

*Author of Tristesse, peur, colère. Agir sur ses émotions (“Sadness, fear, anger. Act on your emotions”) (Odile Jacob).

#4 Set a goal

During the meeting, your boss plants terror in your soul, with a speech that is not just upsetting but also humiliating! How not to panic? Isabelle Filliozat* recommends giving yourself a set of guidelines in terms of your behaviour, such as deciding to ask only three questions. “It is a way to understand how you feel, and not object,” she said, “in order to build momentum towards reaching a goal. As a result – we are more attentive to our own actions than what others do or think.”

 *Author of Les Autres et moi. Comment développer son intelligence sociale (The Others and me. How to develop your social intelligence) (JC Lattes).

#5 Put your emotion into words

Some nights are of such grand fatigue that your husbands’ jokes do not sit with you at all. But instead of slamming the door in his face, psychotherapist-Hervé Magnin* advises you to put words to your emotions. Ask your spouse to avoid humour when he sees you stressed. Explain that at these times, you need to relax, and not have to focus on not imploding. This should be avoided, however, in a hostile environment, because it would provide ammunition to the opposing camp.

* Author of Susceptible et bien dans ma peau (Sensitive and feeling good about myself) (Youth).

#6 Buy time

“When the emotion is strong, our reactions are often impulsive” says Hervé-Magnin. When your boss accuses of being “slack” at work, you end up retorting, not always tactfully, or you simply cloister in disappointed silence. There are other ways out of this bad patch:

Do not say anything at first. Focus on your deep breathing.

Listen till the end. This can serve you well.

Sort it out. Ask yourself if what you have just heard is, in fact, true.

Let it rest for a while. Say, for example: “I have heard what you have to say, and I need time to think – can we meet again tomorrow to talk about this?” This will leave you time to step back and figure out how you should best react.

#7 Set the ideal scenario

Your mother has perfected that annoying little phrase to an art: “This kind of thing only ever happens to you”…what a communication killer! But how do we find our way out of it? Catherine Aimelet-Périssol*, psychotherapist, proposes to come to a conclusion about the type of relationship you want to have with her. You dream of a peaceful and loving relationship? Explain your story to her instead of suffering: decide to welcome her insults with indulgence, and eliminate the mishaps when telling her about your week in order to reassure her about her concerns about you. “Thinking about the quality of your relationship allows you to act upon it, and also see each other differently. This helps us to listen to and focus on her as much as we do ourselves.”

* Author of Mon corps le sait (My body knows it) (Robert Laffont).

8. Identify the fears of the other

Over 40 years old, and you are still single. A friend hits you with a super blunt “Aren’t you afraid to die alone?” and you are two steps away from doing terribly violent things to her. Save yourself from that jail sentence! “What others say and do is a projection of their own reality,” explains Isabelle-Filliozat. “Basically, your friend is not in fact talking about you, but her own fear of abandonment, loneliness, age and death. By understanding this mechanism, we can make ourselves immune to unnecessary suffering.”

9. Take a step back

Each time a moment of reflection returns us to a negative thought, like, for example, “nobody loves me”, trainer Byron Katie* suggests asking yourself four questions, always the same:

1.  Is it true?

2.  Can I know for sure if this is true?

3.  How do I feel about/how do I react to this idea?

4.  How would I feel without this idea?

After this, invert the sentence. For example, tell yourself instead that “Everyone loves me” and think about the circumstances to justify that this is indeed true. Another possible reversal: “I find it hard to love others.” Next, try to understand the situations in your life in which this is the case. It works very well to do a thorough job reflecting on our projections, and is particularly useful when we blame others for behaviour that we do not want to see in ourselves.

Laurence Cochet