“How can I forgive his infidelity?”
updated the 17 June 2014 à 08:59After her husband cheated on her, she found it hard to trust him again – Dr Robert Neuburger tells us how to deal with and forgive our partner’s infidelity.
Sandrine, 42, married for 13 years with two children
“For a long time, my partner and I were a perfect pair, beautifully complementing each other in every way. But last year, after two or three years that were difficult to manage because of the age of our children, disaster struck – I found out he was cheating on me.
Far from defending himself, he justified why it happened – I was no longer available, I stopped listening to him, I stopped looking at him… Deeply hurt, I nevertheless tried to understand and take own share of the blame. But even today, the emotions are stronger than me, I have tried hard to forget, but I do not trust him anymore. In spite of myself, I search his laptop, I panic when he is late and, most importantly, I realize that I have become contemptuous. Even if he regularly puts me on guard by telling me that I am pushing him away, I cannot seem to stop myself. Does this mean that I have stopped loving him? On the contrary, this ordeal has shown that I care about him more than anything. But what should I do to forgive him and find my way back to him… before he takes my word and eventually leaves for good?”
The response of Dr. Robert Neuburger*:
“It is not difficult to understand the origins of Sandrine’s discomfort. Her partner has completely flipped the situation on its head. Instead of recognizing that what he did was not right, he has, in addition, found a way to blame her, and accuse her for the deception she suffered. This reversal is probably a reflection of the fact that he feels guilty, and the best way to get rid oneself of guilt is to put the responsibility on the other party. If he was so unhappy with his marriage, he would have been able to open up, and address the problem with her rather than commit an act of infidelity. This manipulation of reality is what is troubling for Sandrine. The fact that she loves her companion creates difficulty in perceiving the mental manipulation she is being subjected to, while it is clear to an outside observer. This situation is disturbing and may account for her seemingly irrational behaviour, but at the same time reflects the fact that she is living in an abnormal situation. It is desirable that his companion recognizes his faults, and then and only then they can, if they wish, get over this crisis together.These are common for older couples because expectations about the relationship for each member may have evolved over time.”
* Dr. Robert Neuburger is the author of “On arrête ?…on continue ? Faire son bilan de couple” (To end it? …to continue it? Reviewing your relationship) (Payot)
Read also:
– Unfaithful, just in your dreams
– Men and infidelity: How can they love and deceive at the same time?
– Which are the most unfaithful astrological signs?
Interview by Stephanie Torre
