Men and infidelity: How can they love and deceive at the same time?

Marie France Asia: According to you, it is easier to be a faithful woman than to be a faithful man. Why?
Maryse Vaillant: Unlike us women who often resist the temptation of adultery because of our psychological construction and education, loyalty is a challenge for men. The reason is that even if they try to stay in check, they are so often inhabited by the fear of not being virile that they have trouble settling down. It is a bit like they constantly need reassurance.

Is assuming that women are “naturally” faithful not a bit simplistic?
I am convinced that between the words “woman” and “loyalty” there is a kind of implicit agreement, a secret harmony. I assumed that this was true about all people, after bring together for so long – I myself wanted to taste the freedom of men. But it is a fact, and my clinical practice confirms this: while women struggle to deceive, inducing a lot of guilt, the men, themselves, often struggle to be satisfied with a single woman.

What causes this need for infidelity?
“There are two reasons: the specificity of their identity construction and the life course specific to each person. From whence comes the idea of “gender” – that is to say a particular relationship between desire and the fear of emasculation – which leads many of them to imagine that “real men” do not get attached and are never dependent on another person.” But it also depends on the personal history of each person, namely the relationship with the mother, father, groups of friends… So it is not unusual that, having felt humiliated or bullied during childhood or adolescence, some try, in adulthood, to increase their sense of masculinity by expanding their “database” of women.

Is staying faithful a challenge for all men, then?
I think men can be faithful later on, when they really become themselves, they know each other well, and are no longer seeking to prove anything. But as long as they remain inhabited by the fear of losing, and thus feel the need to appear on the same or higher standing than other males, it is extremely difficult.

Are today’s men are less loyal than our fathers were?
No. Men have always deceived their wives more or less discreetly, and they continue in the same way till today. It is the same regarding the way they live with adultery – there are always those who get sick to death because they once deceived their wives…and then there are those who deceive with a vengeance, without feeling any guilt. If lifestyle changes played a role in the stories of adultery, it is especially in favour of women. They now allow themselves to take a little more action when, in the past, they were content to cheat in their minds…

You distinguish two categories of male adulterers. First is the monogamous infidel. Who is he?
This is obviously a caricature, but it does not change the fact that this figure is fairly representative of how some people carry out their infidelity. The unfaithful monogamous often appears as a perfect husband to his entourage. And for good reason: he says he is in love with his wife and, despite his chronic extramarital affairs, thinks divorce is not an option for him. But though he considers marriage and family a fundamental social pact, he also firmly believes that having external connections is normal. Not because he is bored – just because it is necessary to “enhance” his daily life and to sustain his relationship.

And who is the “polygamous faithful”?
It is the case completely opposite to the former. Neither flirty, nor fickle, this is not a husband who is afraid to commit, or to keep his word. His problem: he is a man who loves to love, and while he loves a woman he can fall in love with another while continuing to love the first. So this is a man of many loyalties.

So he can love and deceive an individual at the same time…
Pretty much. He does not cheat because he has ceased to love or because he is dissatisfied. His polygamy is, instead, the result of his overwhelming need for love. As for his inability to leave a relationship, it is a sign of his fear of breaking up.

Tell us what you think about this: though loyalty is an exception, it is also often pathological…
Let’s just say I am suspicious of constrained loyalties, that is to say, men who do not cheat because they are captives of their cultural beliefs, their social structure and their character. Thus, some speak of loyalty as a form of ethics. But repressing his libido and instincts because he is trapped in a moral straitjacket is the reason for many degrees of violence and neuroses: “duty” has led and still leads many men to express their suffering in a sneaky way or, conversely, to gradually retreat into depression…

Are there no faithful men who are truly happy?
Loyalty is not always a condition, and there are obviously men who are faithful out of love. For them, remaining loyal to their wife is not the order of a cultural norm but the ideal, mastery of the art of living… But I would say that they are almost always mature men.

Your book ends with a surprising conclusion: women are never solely responsible for the infidelity of their spouses. The fact that they are tender and sensual would not change anything…
If women are able to feel less responsible and guilty for all the emotional situations around them – whether it is the love of their partner, their children, their parents, etc. – their existence would be much easier. It is therefore essential that everyone understands that being a man is not simple. Based on the fear of not being up to par, the construction of the male identity is, in fact, a long series of tests. It is no wonder, therefore, that many of them, confusing masculinity and manhood, are unable to give up the freedom to seduce. Sexual availability becomes the only way for that nagging fear of emasculation… So we should stop constantly worrying about it – you can be a good mother, good wife, good lover and still find one day that, for no rhyme or reason, he may stop loving you.

*Maryse Vaillant, who died in 2013, is the author of “Les hommes, l’amour, la fidélité” (Men, love, fidelity)”(Albin Michel)

Read more from our special ‘Infidelity’ report:
– How to forgive infidelity?
– Unfaithful, just in your dreams
– Which are the most unfaithful astrological signs?

Interview by Stephanie Torre

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