The secrets to a lasting relationship

Nowadays, we fall in love too often, and so we get tired and overly sensitive. Does this mean that it is better not to believe in love? That all love stories will generally end badly? That we must abandon the longing for a never-ending love, and that the image of happy old couples that sometimes surround us is only a dream? That would be a mistake. We should start believing that long-term lovers and marital experts exist; there are ways to put the odds on our side when embarking upon a new love story. What are they, and how not to miss out on them? Patrick Lemoine, psychiatrist and author of “Séduire: comment l’amour vient aux humains (Seduction: how humans fall in love) (Robert Laffont), and psychoanalyst Carolina Montet make the point on how lasting love happens.

Love at first sight is reliable:
False. It is better to be realistic: “Even if it is able to deceive the most rational minds, the flood of emotions generated by love at first sight is not a guarantee of success,” says Caroline Montet. But that does not mean that all these cases are inexorably doomed to disappointment – “There is also great intuition involved in the ability to recognize great love from the very first meeting,” says the specialist.

Couples similar in terms of culture, community or interests are at an advantage:
False. Certainly, as they say, birds of a feather flock together. But they also say that opposites attract… Patrick Lemoine seconds this. For him, differences do not create an obstacle if everyone makes an effort to be open-minded to the world of the other.

“The key is that each protagonist feels respected and recognized for his personality, opinions and sensitivity,” says the psychiatrist. Knowing how to show that you are open to the world of the person you love provides an opportunity to make your relationship last. In this sense, if you are dating someone of another ethnic group, it is desirable to learn their language and therefore understand their culture.”

Expecting too much from each other is harmful:
True. “By asking for too much, we ruin the story,” said Patrick Lemoine, before listing the wrong reasons to get married. “If we initiate a story simply to prove that we are still able to seduce, and allow ourselves to do this at the first moment for fear of loneliness or not having children, it considerably weakens the relationship,” he says.

Better to be friends before lovers:
True and false. For Caroline Montet “being friends before embarking on a romance can often establish relationships of trust to appease the other, and help each other overcome doubt.” But again, be careful! Patrick Lemoine echoes this: “It is often easier to start immediately with a relationship, to begin the journey together on a blank canvas, he says. And if you know each other as friends before, it is important to be tolerant of each other’s past love lives so as not to give rise to any jealousy.”

Physical attraction is essential: 
True. The desire to slip into each other’s arms, to caress each other, to merge into one another… This attraction is undeniably one of the cements of the couple, according to Caroline Montet, “The conjugal core still consists of three things: the man, the woman and the relationship that feeds upon the exchanges between the two. Of course, according to age and stage of life, this desire will not have the same intensity. But aesthetically and physically pleasing each other remains essential.”

If it goes badly in bed, it will go bad on all counts:
False. Sometimes, for physical or psychological reasons, the first times do not leave a good impression. But for Patrick Lemoine, these problems foretell nothing – “If the woman accepts temporary impotence with understanding, or if the man accepts the anxiety of his lady with tenderness, there is no reason why things should get worse. Patience and mutual tolerance can even be considered as a measure of how long-lasting a relationship will be because it leads to recognition of that which would have been responsible for the failure.

Feeling good about yourself is essential:
False. For Patrick Lemoine, our neuroses and anxieties do not condemn us emotionally empty –“If we reassure and nourish each other with our affection, the relationship should be able to last very well.”

The family must be in favour of the union to make it work:
False. Too young, too old, too rich, too poor… Can we bet on a companion who does not fit into the criteria of the family? Yes, Patrick Lemoine. “What matters in times of stress is that the partners support each other when facing the family,” he says.

Fusion is a guarantee of long love life:
True and false. “If the desire for fusion is shared, there is no reason why it is harmful,” says Patrick Lemoine. “Like one of my former patients, who, in a blissful relationship, even knew the details of every single case that her lawyer husband was involved in, I have known couples who are inseparable even after fifty years of marriage. But this should not make us forget that too symbiotic a relationship can also stifle the relationship, if this need is not reciprocal.”

A relationship that starts off on a bad foot is doomed from the beginning:
False. Getting rid of bad first impressions is almost always possible, according to Patrick Lemoine. “But this is under the assumption that each partner wishes to do so, and that there is still love between the couple,” he says. To take your feelings into account, the psychiatrist suggests this little exercise – “When I talk to couples who are going through some turbulence, I suggest that they write each other a love letter, and another a break-up letter. When received, the most inspired letter expresses the deepest desires.”

To last, you must want to last:
True. For Caroline Montet, the longevity of a couple is an everyday job. “Maintaining a loving household , she concludes, requires to fight against the vagaries of life, work demands, temptations, stress…”.

Read more from our  report “The secrets to a lasting relationship”:
Testimony: “Our projects bound us”
Testimony: “Twice a year, we escape together”

 

Laurence Cochet