Dark Side: “Quenching my fantasies saved me.”
updated the 14 July 2015 à 18:31We all possess grim secrets. Julie, 42, married with a child demonstrates how she has tamed hers.
Julie, 42, married
“I am a fussy person and I like that everything in my life is tidy. Nevertheless, until I turned 40 years old, a part of me remained hidden. As a teenager, I suffered from terrible stomachaches, followed by problems with alcohol and bulimia-anorexia. Nobody knew; neither my friends nor my husband. I felt like I was split in two. When I became a mother, at 31, I finally accepted my femininity and my need to self-harm disappeared. For four years, I believed that I was finally free. I had my little life, a husband that I loved and who accepted my frigidity. But I experienced passion and orgasm with a lover. Once again, I became obsessive: I made non-stop love, I did not recognise myself. I lost my husband, my lover and my reason. The psychologist I consulted at this time admitted me to a psychiatric hospital before my dark side proved fatal. This stay of two months was the turning point for me. I understood that I did not have to be ashamed of who I was; I was not abnormal. My excessive behaviour was a symptom of what I refused to see: my need for immoderation.
I was raised by labour parents, who were very pious and closed to any dialogue. In their plan, the woman must be discreet, helpful and submissive. Sex was taboo, which fostered resentment and frustration in me. I have reconciled with my husband but I remain blocked on sexual matters, despite consultations with a sex therapist. Then, rather than burying my urges, I disconnect my brain and quench my fantasies in libertine clubs. When I had the strength to take this initiative, I saved myself and regained control over my life. I only go there once or twice a year now, as if to recognise that my dark side calmed me down. I also managed to channel a part of this energy by embracing beautiful sport challenges. I know that this balance is fragile and I aim to be less extreme, but for now, these libertine evenings are a part of my path. I have a lot of guilt and regret about my chaotic background, but I have never felt as serene as I do today.”
Marie Le Marois
Read more:
Dark Side: “Anger is an integral part of my identity”
Dark Side: “I maintain secrets and romantic correspondences.”
