Dark Side: “I maintain secrets and romantic correspondences.”
updated the 14 July 2015 à 18:31Jeanne, 38, married with four children shares her story on coming to terms with her inner tendencies.
Jeanne, 38, married, four children
“My mother has never been structured; she takes everything lightly and I always suffered as a result. Very early, I swore to myself that I would be different. I made every effort to be as rigorous as my father: I followed a scientific career path, despite my passion for literature; and I married a rock-solid man. I have a good job as an engineer, polite children, appropriate friends that I cheer up because, in my extremely organised world, I am regarded as the crazy one. Nevertheless, I have my faults: I have romantic correspondences that give me a delicious excitement. Even while in high school, I wrote poems to a boy who never knew my identity. After I got married, I did it again with a friend, writing an almost erotic book. By giving free rein to my imagination, I delight in sounds, in words and double senses. I also play with my nerves and those of the poor man taken into my virtual tentacles, a prisoner of a relationship he considers passionate, but it is, in reality, only a pretext to quench my thirst for fantasy. Because I do not go farther, of course; I do not see my partners.
Recently, I fell under the spell of an Oriental man. We exchange hot, sexy e-mails… I trembled like a teenager, I lost my appetite, I had insomnia, which I channeled to construct chiseled and enigmatic sentences. It is out of the question to say anything about this to my husband, whom I love. But, all the same, I wanted to know whether I was crazy and went to see a psychologist. Ideally, I would prefer not to have this desire for virtual seduction, which I find rationally dismaying. These delicious ‘candies’ leave me with feelings of guilt. With this psychologist, I became aware that I didn’t have to eradicate my need for madness, but come to terms with it. It frightened me so much that I stopped. But the idea persists. I understood that, since my childhood, I had associated ‘fancy’ with ‘irresponsible’, admitted that the maternal genes lived within me and that I had to reconcile my opposite aspiration.”
Marie Le Marois
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