Testimonials: Consulting a sex therapist

Fabienne Broucaret

29 Oct 2014

updated the 6 October 2015 à 23:38

1/5
Élodie, 28 years old: “Talking about it freed me”
"I didn't have sexual relations with my companion for several months, so it was very painful during penetration. It was not good at all for our well-being as a couple, but also for my own self-respect. I saw a sex therapist, first with my friend, then alone. She explained to me that I suffered from secondary vaginismus. Over the sessions, we communicated a lot about pleasure, desire, orgasms and so on. I never dared to approach these subjects so openly. Sexuality remained taboo for me. Talking about it 'freed' me!"
"I can now put things into perspective. I understood that I had to play more and think less. For that purpose, the therapist gave me exercises to do at home, to use sex toys and other practical advice. Now I use a gel to hydrate my vagina every day and a lubricant during sexual relations. I didn't do it before. I finally realized that I gave myself too much pressure and now I feel more relaxed. I especially have more self-confidence."
2/5
Alice, 44 years old: “Her first advice? I will have to train!”
"I saw a sex therapist when I was 23 years old because I didn't like penetration. I absolutely wanted to see a female sex therapist rather than a man - It was too unpleasant for me. Since everybody seemed to like penetration, I considered that it was not fair. I deserved it too! I explained to her that everything went well in my sexual life, except for that issue. Initially, she said some soothing words and denounced the supposedly popular myth. She reassured me by saying, for example, that not all women have an orgasm during penetration. It reassured me a lot and took away my worries.”
"I also remember her first advice: you have to train! She recommended I use a sex toy and explained to me how to use it - in the peak of the excitement, when I masturbated. As sex toys were not as common then as today, she suggested buying it for me. I gladly accepted (I was already embarrassed to visit her consulting room!). The idea was to train alone and without pressure, until it becomes natural. And it worked!"
3/5
Corinne, 41 years old: “I was more of a mother than a woman”
"It has been two years since I had sexual relations with my husband. I didn't have a desire for him or to make love. He complained about it but I acted as if there was nothing amiss, until the day when I wondered if I was normal. I asked myself many questions about my non-existent sexual life. I decided to see a sex therapist but I didn't want to go to a consulting room. Above all I wanted to stay anonymous."
"I thus saw a sex therapist via a sexual health website. Over the sessions, I became aware that the problem was not with me or my husband. We were imprisoned by daily life. I also realized that I saw myself more as a mother than as a woman. After a long period of abstinence, I didn't dare to do anything. Seeing a sex therapist restored my confidence and helped me to overcome this obstacle."
4/5
Nathalie, 45 years old: “My vision of sexuality has changed”
"I have never been very satisfied with my sexual life since I did not see it as a. Then, by hearing my friends saying that it was so good and reading articles where girls fainted from having an orgasm, I said to myself that I had a problem. I thus decided to see a sex therapist to know if I was normal or not. She started by making me think about what I mean by 'normal', to forget my beliefs and remove me from any stigma. She then showed me diagrams of the vagina and the clitoris, so that I would know my body better. Very technical, but very useful!"
"In each session, we reviewed how I felt during the practical exercises that I did at home. By masturbating and by using a vibrator, I learnt to listen to my sensations and to know which zones of my body to activate to feel pleasure. It is not still perfect, but I am improving! I like the lightness we use in talking about sex. We laugh a lot and it is good for me, because I was very embarrassed about this subject, even if I claimed the opposite. It changed my opinion on sexuality."
5/5
How to find a sex therapist?
General practitioners and gynaecologists can recommend you a specialist. Other reliable tips: Look in specialized phone books and choose a sex therapist with a sexology diploma.

Élodie, 28 years old: "Talking about it freed me"

What happens in the consulting room of sex therapists? How do the sessions take place? And most importantly what are the benefits of such a session? Read on for our investigation into some of these sessions.

Pascale, married, with two children, does not want to have sex with her husband anymore. “I would never have believed that I would one day see a sex therapist. I maintained the stereotype that sex therapists were for weird people with weird difficulties.”

Two sex therapists, Pascale de Sutter and Valérie Doyen, wrote a sexo-informative novel dedicated to the decline of desire.

The feelings of the novel’s heroine are inspired by testimonies of real patients. At the end of every chapter, as at the end of a consultation, advice, exercises and possible solutions are proposed to the readers. The idea also was to break some myths such as, you should not undress at the sex therapist’s consulting room, it isn’t just about medical matters and you will not spend the sessions on a divan talking about your childhood.

THE ‘SEX THERAPISTS’

Sexology is still a vague term in many minds, particularly since it is a rather recent discipline. It is divided into two groups of practitioners: doctors (general practitioners, psychiatrists, gynaecologists, etc.) and non-doctors (such as psychologists and midwives). The consultations take place in a consulting room or at the hospital, alone or as couples. The sex therapists are in charge of all problems pertaining to sexuality, not only with sexual intercourse.

These problems include: confusion about desire, lack of orgasms, premature ejaculation, pains during penetration, sexual disagreement, fear of menopause and its consequences. There are many reasons for a consultation and these have evolved over time. More and more men seek help for a decline of desire and more broadly, for relational reasons. This was unthinkable twenty years ago. Women, however, have more concrete demands. It is not uncommon for women of forty or older to see a sex therapist because they have never had an orgasm and want to know the pleasure. They often apologize and ask if it is not too late. It is certainly not too late states one sex therapist.

EXERCISES TO RELEASE THE BODY

There are as many different kinds of sessions as there are sex therapists and according to one of them, the main key to good sex is to know our own body well. To see if we know it well, it is important to talk about the organs concerned, particularly the clitoris. For couples, it is essential to communicate sexual pleasure, which is still a taboo subject. But even if you listen and communicate with each other, it is not enough. The sex therapist may recommend some films or books and erotic games as practical exercises to do at home.

But deciding to see a sex therapist is still not easy. As one sex therapist explains, it is difficult to expose our intimacy and our problems. There is chastity and also shame. Many people are afraid of seeming ridiculous or being judged. The first meeting is a big step to overcome. It is very often cancelled or postponed. Many people do not know how the consultations will take place and that is not a surprising comment to a sex therapist. Except for a friend’s possible trust, or some reading, we usually know little or nothing about what is going to take place in the specialist’s consulting room.

Four women talk about their experience as we share them.

Fabienne Broucaret

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Testimonials: Consulting a sex therapist

THE ‘SEX THERAPISTS’

EXERCISES TO RELEASE THE BODY

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