4 Tips to stimulate desire in the bedroom

Sustaining desire between a couple is a sacred bet. We would love to believe that the force driving us into each other’s arms is purely animal and instinctive, natural and magical. When in fact, there is nothing that should be more controlled, worked on or anticipated. To help you, we offer you a four-part to-do list, with the help of specialists such as Emmanuelle and Alexia Camille Bacouël, co-founders of the Cabinet of Feminine Curiosity in France and facilitators of workshops on the desire and sexuality – as well as Sylvain Mimoun, a gynaecologist and sex therapist.

1) set YOURSELVES on a date

At the beginning of the relationship, there is always a spark. Always ready for torrid exchanges, one can even speak of explosive eruptions. After a few years, it is more like “you wanted to see Vesuvius and the only volcanic eruption you witnessed was his snoring”. According to Camille Emmanuelle, “The desire in the long-term is anything but spontaneous. It is necessary to recreate environments, put back in place the distance and primp yourself to see each other, just as it used to be in the beginning. “This amounts to setting dates outside the home: at the café, or even a hotel. “The advantage of the hotel room, says Camille, is that apart from making love, there is nothing else to do there! ”

Dr Mimoun’s additional tip: “For the date to fully play its role as an aphrodisiac, it is necessary that one partner takes the initiative, it should not be calculated on both sides. We may, from time to time, sort out our agendas and book an evening out, but we should also try to surprise – not just in the desire but of setting the date itself too. The famous “Oh, I’m just round the corner, wanna come and have a drink?” always works.

2) PLAY OUT AN ANTI-PERFORMANCE

The subway, work, the brats…we are used to giving them our maximum. Because of these intense requirements, we get back home, completely drained, with only one desire – to quietly soak in the bath. Then all it takes is for our man to appear and steal a kiss on the neck to paralyse our entire being. One kiss leads to another, and we know how it ends: Karma Sutra and acrobatic sex.

Sleep earlier. According to Camille, “we can no longer dictate the foreplay-penetration-relaxation routine. Sexual matters are above all a game, not a challenge. The pressure is enormous. We must give them signals of nobility by caressing and flirting with them without doing anything. We must engage in a goofy striptease, laugh together and move on…or not.

Dr Mimoun’s additional tip: “The kiss and hug both call for empathy and complicity in the couple. What kills the desire is all that is serious, predictable and regular: getting into bed, the lights going out, making love. The quickies outside the marital bed contribute to the renewal of your relationship, a lightness that does not require too much energy either.”

3) EXPAND HIS BOX OF FANTASIES

If there is one area that is neglected, it is his fantasy world! We know of his three fantasies that run in a loop, of frightening banality, and we know by heart the secret of his enjoyment so well that we do not even need a GPS to navigate our way through it. As Alexia Bacouël says, “we forget the brain function of sexuality. The richness of your inner world takes work. It is in exploring all the resources – erotic literature, comics, photos, movies, that we run his machine of fantasies, and develop his curiosity. According to Camille, the films of Sweden’s Erika Lust, pioneer of feminist pornography can be a good place to start. To learn more about each other’s fantasies, each other’s subtle erogenous zones, all it takes is to ask him, nonchalantly, “When I touch you, what do you feel?” and to suggest to him “what if we go to the balcony, enjoy some sun and give each other a massage?”

Dr Mimoun’s additional tip: “When each person discover their own feelings and the sources of their pleasure, the couple is able to multiply the possibilities by two. 1 + 1 = endless variations. It is necessary to learn to identify the right moment in which you can share these fantasies with each other, without ever making the rapport mechanical (avoid systematically reproducing the things that once worked). Your other half does not have fantasies? It is more like he does, but chooses to ignore them…”

4) TAKE CARE OF THE FOUNDATION

Nobody would suggest you transform your room, that refuge, that haven, into a brothel worthy of the more dodgy streets of Amsterdam. But there is a minimum which you should ensure. “At the beginning of the relationship,” says Camille, “you do not leave the clothes dryer in the room or put the iPhone on standby on the nightstand for example.

So why, then, is the bed no longer the playground of the couple, but is allowed to be invaded by kids toys, or by computers?” Without investing in an animal skin throws, a fireplace or a mirror on the ceiling, you can still remain in a state of hot alert by ensuring the correct framework. It is basically giving back priority to the foundation of the relationship – a high level of attraction and sexuality. This is equivalent to prioritising love before everything else (the washing machine, the dishes in the sink, etc.) And the mark of this being a priority is making it a space worthy of the name “bedroom”.

Dr Mimoun’s additional tip: “If the desire is there, regardless of the decor, it is there to the limits. On the other hand, once the desire wanes, the atmosphere and the environment can become a wet blanket (and we end up focusing on the details that kill the said desire). We know it well: when it comes to making love, if we wait to feel like it, we can end up waiting extremely long. We must therefore create the climate and refocus on the excitement.”

Fabienne Boucaret

Read more relationship advice on Marie France Asia:

– 9 Keys to re-ignite the passion in your relationship
– Relationships: Understanding and preventing emotional co-dependency
– Sex: 7 Days to make him crack