Relationships: How to identify a manipulator and to protect yourself?

How can we recognise a manipulator?

A manipulator is someone who behaves in a dishonest way by making people believe things that are not true, he exerts a kind of insane seduction. This person always puts himself in the limelight by denigrating others. He is able to wear various masks to get what he wants. He can be kind but horrible two minutes later. He ranges between hot and cold extremes, and in particular when he has found his prey: he tries to destabilize her. This uncertain behaviour can drive others crazy and paralyze them.

The manipulator is also a very infantile person who wants everything, immediately. In his mind, he is never guilty and has excuses to justify his behaviour. He knows everything and has seen everything. The manipulator is a real megalomaniac. The manipulator is not violent, he never wants to leave a track, but he can suffer other pathologies which push him to display violent behaviour. This is the case, among others, of manic-depressive manipulators. Be careful not to generalize this diagnostic. For example, every manipulator or harasser is not a manipulator! Manipulators are “borderline,” they are situated between normality and madness. They are typically men, but this pathology also affects women.

Is there a difference between manipulators and narcissists?

The narcissist uses the other as an object to glory, to be in the limelight. The manipulator also uses the other one as an object, but to make her suffer, to see her slowly die psychically. It is this suffering which is fun for him. The manipulator is completely addicted to his prey. Without his victim, the manipulator dies, exactly as a vampire, which would not have any more blood to suck.

How is the mechanism set up?

First, there is the honeymoon phase. The woman has the impression of meeting her charming prince as he fills her slightest desires. Her friends are even jealous. When the magic disappears, she does not believe it is gone. It takes time to understand that something is not normal with him. The victim generally displays symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome. Terrorized by her executioner, she is taken hostage, she defends him, and does all that she can do to get back to the first magical moments. She isolates herself gradually and loses confidence in herself. Psychologically, she thinks it is her fault if the relation degenerates. The shame settles down durably. And especially because the manipulator shows himself at his best in public. People do not still understand why the woman complains when she has such a wonderful husband…

What are the processes used by manipulators?

They are numerous! The dissimulation, the seduction, the depreciation (he depreciates ceaselessly), the misinformation, the diversion of circumstances (he manipulates the situations as he wants), the rhetoric, the interest caught and the ideas, the isolation, the influence… He also likes objectifying his victim, using her as a puppet, sowing doubt, playing with money to weaken, dominate, and make her insecure.

Do the victims have a particular profile?

Yes. They are often cheerful and full of life. They are generally lacking confidence in themselves and dream about a symbiotic love relation. They have a strong capacity to feel guilty and do their best to save the other person. Very voluntary, they want to forward to the end of their story and have strong moral values for commitment in a relationship. The victims have to ask themselves why they were the target of a manipulator and why the link was maintained so long to avoid the same thing scenario. But they don’t have to feel guilty at all. It is important to insist on the fact that it is not masochistic or weak people who let themselves be manipulated voluntarily.

What advice exists to help people out of this influence?

The first step is to speak about it, to look for help outside, because what isn’t named doesn’t exist. Another person will help the victim out of the paralysis, to realize that they are not crazy, but that the other one has a serious problem. It is important that the victims understand that a manipulator suffers from a very serious, generally incurable disease. The most important thing thus is to draw clear boundaries between them. It is an absolute necessity. If it is not possible immediately, in particular for financial reasons, it is necessary to bend over, not to attack him frontally, and to prepare your escape, to organize your retort.

Is making him change a hope in vain?

Completely! It is useless to discuss it. It is not about a simple difference or about a conflict within a couple which could be fixed with a mediator. No, it is about an offense because the manipulator looks for the psychic death of his victim. Negotiating with him is completely useless. The victims have to understand that they can never save him or make him understand anything. He will always be right and they will always be wrong. The victims have to think of saving themselves above all. Some of them are so exhausted, as if they are held hostage, that the only solution for them is the suicide.

The victims don’t have to forgive…

The victims lived a tragedy, and displayed considerable efforts to get out of the claws of their executioner. They had to give up their ideal, to carry out a long and painful route. And what do we tell them? That forgiveness is the only possible exit? It is scandalous that we tell them that without forgiveness, they will never move on. What is essential is for the victim to forgive herself and to see if the absence of forgiveness hides hatred. Actually, separating oneself from hatred is necessary here because hatred maintains a kind of link with the manipulator.

What therapy is recommended to the victims?

They have to think about what they want. If they wish to understand their behaviour, behavioural therapy can be good. If they wish to dig up their childhood to understand why they have embarked on this nightmare, a psychoanalysis will help them. There is no ideal solution but individual choices.

Fabienne Broucaret