Testimonies: "I always depreciate myself"

Testimonies: “I depreciate myself all the time”

Lindsay POUI-DI

16 Sep 2014

updated the 14 July 2015 à 18:34

Readers react to our report on guilt. They tell us what invades their mind, and prevents them, at some point, from taking time for themselves.

“I DEPRECIATE MYSELF all the time”

Lauren, 36 years old, is a sports coach. She is married, with a 6-year-old son.

“Nobody annoys me with that, but I always feel too ‘fat’. I depreciate myself all the time. I have the feeling not to know how to take care of myself while I take care so well of others (all with my motherly empathy). after my pregnancy and by stopping competing in martial arts, I gained weight, approximately 20 kg. As I enjoy food and being a good cook, I do nothing to lose weight. It disturbs nobody, except me. It is not even the desire to be thin or beautiful as in the magazines that motivates me, but the fear of doing a bad thing, of not following the rules. I spoil the pleasure of a good meal or of a pleasant evening, focusing on my weight. My parents were not focused on the appearance, but they used to permanently worry, they were afraid of lacking something and have transmitted to me the idea that, if we do something wrong, the consequences can be gravely… ”

“I HAVE DIFFICULTY IN AUTHORIZING MYSELF to A PERSONAL PLEASURE”

Nathalie, 38 years old, is an engineer. She is married, with two sons aged 7 and 5.

“My mother would have liked to paint but, under the influence of my father, older than her, she always favoured the duty, the obligations. When she finally began to paint, after her divorce, she stopped after a few months, judging herself as ‘not talented’. She works a lot with “all or nothing” mode: either I am a famous artist, or nothing. Painting just for the pleasure? Not possible. Just like her, I have difficulty in authorizing myself to enjoying a personal pleasure.

I love oriental dance, but this passion always comes after the my job, children and house. I sometimes, don’t go to my classes because of obligations that I build up to myself. Nevertheless, my husband sometimes encourages me to dedicate some time for it. He is not castrating as my father. Deep inside of me, while I love to dance, I think that it’s a waste of time… And even if I would really like to participate in training courses on the weekend, I stop myself from doing it. ”

“I PUT MYSELF TOO MUCH IN THE OTHER’s PLACE”

Gaëlle, 33 years, is a teacher. She has a partner but is childless.

“I lived for a long time alone, without any major obligations or constraints. I miss a little the instructions for the couple’s life. I tend to anticipate, to put myself in the place of my partner instead of staying in mine. If I go out without him with my girlfriends, I feel guilty, while when he has his evenings playing tennis and dining out, it does not seem to bother him. Exactly the same situation echoes in my education: my father was worried sick as soon as we disappeared from his view, I had to tell him with whom I was, all the time. And I did that wholeheartedly because I didn’t want him to worry. But, when I took my independence, I finally breathed… But these manias linked to the anxiety, to the guilt, come back as soon as I am with somebody.”

“I AM ALWAYS APOLOGIZING”

Dorothée, 42 years old, is an osteopath. She is divorced and has an 8-year-old girl.

“I was always afraid of being not wanted. I am the eldest daughter of parents who were too young at the time of my birth. I was the child who they tried to accommodate to be able to be free to go out. As a result: I am always apologizing, asking if it is a good moment or if the dinner is maintained (of course, I am the one whom people cancel). If others don’t reassure me, I feel guilty of thinking of me. I am the kind of woman who does things for my daughter, my parents, my brothers and sisters, my colleagues but never for myself. It is my ex-husband who offered me presents; I had many difficulties to buy something for myself. It is not a coincidence that I chose a job to treat and care for people.”