Separation: “I am still afraid that the problems will return”
updated the 14 July 2015 à 18:32Separation saved their relationship: Aurore, 40 years old, a dentist, married for 15 years, three children.
“When I discovered that my husband had a mistress, I went from being angry to being in denial. For two years, I deliberately ignored his double life because I didn’t want to break our relationship. In September 2013, two days before our thirteenth wedding anniversary, he confessed everything to me; his affair, his ill-being and his desire to understand his behaviour with the help of a psychologist. He broke up with his mistress, but also with me. He moved into an apartment and the three months that followed were extremely difficult. At the same time, the time apart allowed me to understand that I was really crazy about him and that his affair was the result of a runaway man. All that he had repressed in his childhood eventually rose to the surface. During a spiritual retreat, a priest invited me to give up to my husband, so that he can really find himself. It meant calling him as little as possible, not making him feel guilty nor playing on the heartstrings. I managed to let go, of the suffering certainly, but I also achieved with it. My only requirement is that he takes equal responsibility for the care of our children. When the children were with him, I enjoyed having time to myself. I gave myself until Easter to wait for him. The situation changed in January, when he agreed to consult a couple’s therapist. We met him together then alone, alternately, every other week. I understood that each of us had difficulty understanding what the other was saying and nothing was acquired in a couple. I understood his reproaches, that I had become more a mother than a woman, and that, by not requiring anything from him, I had not enabled him to get involved as a father.
In May, during a consultation with the three of us, I heard myself say that I would not resist if a man tried to pick me up… I felt strong. As if by chance, a few days later, he suggested going away for a weekend. However, the contrived nature of the situation prevented me from giving in to the spontaneity and the lightness of it all. Contrary to all expectations, he announced that he given up his apartment and, in July, he returned home. I expected fireworks; a return to our passionate beginnings. But this wasn’t the case. I felt neither desired nor loved. I understood that our reconstruction would take time; we had to become reacquainted with each other and find another way of functioning. I admitted his difficulties sharing his feelings, learnt to involve him more in my life and that of our family. He became attentive and present; organising a surprise party for my 40th birthday. It was his way of expressing his love. This evening, I was able to tell him that I loved him. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. We still have a long way to go, but intimacy and complicity come back little by little. Finally, even if I am still afraid of breaking up, I feel complete.”
Read more on our ‘separation’ report:
Separation: It saved their relationship
Separation: “Today, I am calmer and he is more loving”
Separation: “I was persuaded that our love had not been switched off.”
Marie Le Marois
