Breaking up: Dumped without warning

It’s difficult to admit. Neither deaf, nor idiots; nevertheless, these women were dumped overnight. A brutal awakening: “On December 25th we celebrated Christmas with his family, and on the 27th he dumped me by an SMS”; “He broke up with me during our honeymoon in Rio”; “Just after we had made love, he confessed to being in love with someone else”. So, did these women really not see the breakup coming, or is it that they did not want to see the signs? Two specialists, a sex therapist and a psychoanalyst, analyze the statements. The sex therapist focuses on the idealistic and dependent personalities of these women, while the psychoanalyst highlights the lack of communication in the relationship.

THE BIG ILLUSION

If you are being honest, you won’t dare tell others that you have the best of both worlds. For example, declaring you had everything you needed to be happy; a good life, a husband and children, you were made for each other, and so on. But, even if everything seemed perfect, he dumped you overnight, without warning! The sex therapist believes, “these women are deluded. Before the breakup, they lie to themselves about their beautiful relationship; then, after the breakup, they recall their story without objectivity”. Nevertheless, the negative signs were there. For instance, we made love less often or less well, we had fewer ideas for things to do on the weekend. He began going out earlier and coming home later. He even bought himself an alibi; Hulk, a young Labrador needing frequent walks. He even bought a convertible car to take Hulk to the park. Considering all these factors, did you really not see anything?

A WIFE who SEES NOTHING AND A HUSBAND who SAYS ANYTHING

The breakup is just a consequence, the “end” comes when you can no longer see the wood of the trees. If you know how to listen to your intuition, spot the problems and hear what is not being said, you may be able to anticipate the breakup: deterioration of the intimate relationship, indifference towards each other, decreased interest in common projects. Often, a person leaves the relationship on an emotional level before they physically leave. Of course, there are the normal, inevitable crises that occur in long-term relationships. These can be overcome and enable the relationship to progress from the idealistic lover stage to the realities of everyday life. As a result, the relationship is strengthened. But those who maintain they were “dumped without warning” cling to the notion of perfect happiness. Any crisis could change it. They also hang on to beliefs, such as “marriage is for life”; “love means looking in the same direction”; or “a man needs his home base”. So, their intuition is dulled; the crisis and breakup signals are not identified by these women, or, if they do, they explain them as routine, human nature, and nothing serious. For the psychoanalyst, “they are in denial. Problems are swept under the carpet, as if they don’t exist”. A woman who notices nothing in a man who says nothing, are two neuroses that fit perfectly. “It’s like a relationship where both parties appear to get on well, but in reality there is no communication, nothing important is shared and, thus, they don’t know each other at all. ”

BREAKING UP, NAIVETY AND LACK OF CONFIDENCE

Your five senses may be on full alert, but the man in your life may also exhibit predictable patterns of behaviour. Normally deceitful or manipulator; you think you know him well. Is it easier to spot signs of weariness when you live together or apart? Living together can deteriorate the relationship quickly. By seeing each other every day, you no longer know what to think about him. Taking a trip alone for a week, will enable you to see things more clearly. But the geographical distance can also falsify your impressions. If the relationship is maintained via webcam, one person can easily say all kinds of things. For instance, I wasn’t at home yesterday because of the bad weather, and so on. However, even with the distance, you can spot signs of an imminent breakup: your companion is in less of a hurry to see you or doesn’t have the electricity to connect his webcam. The problem is not the breakup, nor when it will come; rather, it is your naivety. The sex therapist speaks of excessive confidence in one person (believing his words to be sacrosanct), which parallels the lack of self-confidence in the other. “We see this behaviour in women who have been mistreated, ignored or even deceived during childhood. Such women are usually attracted to men who are not going to respect them.” Without a strong ego and a clear vision of the situation, you remain oblivious to the situation. For example, “I was a good mother and a good wife, so why did he leave me?” Good mother, good wife, maybe, but certainly not the woman who makes him dream. Another common excuse for the failure of the relationship is, “after all I did for him!” But, as the psychoanalyst emphasizes, “we are loved for what we are, not for what we do. Adopting the role of sacrificial victim and being indebted to your partner has nothing to do with love”. Finally, there is the infamous line, “I’m unlucky with men”. This is unacceptable as it absolves you of all responsibility. So next time, communicate before it is too late.

Read more in our “breakup” report:

Breaking up: “I secretly thought that he could bear everything”
Breaking up: “A friend opened my eyes”
Breaking up: “Our lives drifted apart without me noticing”

Valérie Rodrigue