The decline of desire in men is not a question of age
updated the 6 October 2015 à 23:39
Is your man suffering from decreased libido? Here is how to fix it – with advice from sexologist Ghislaine Paris.
How can we explain why more and more men are consulting a doctor for the reduction in their sexual desire?
For seeking the help of sex therapists, it is explained by a change in mentality. People previously thought that a man couldn’t have a reduction of libido because masculinity was associated with sexual desire. Men didn’t dare to talk about it. Women also had more hesitation about expressing their complaints within the couple. Now, there are no longer the same hesitations.
Is there a certain profile for men affected by this problem?
No, it can affect anyone. It is not a question of age, even if by aging, health worries complicate things. It is, rather, particular moments of a couple’s life which weaken the libido: after the passionate phase is over, the birth or the departure of the children, reaching old age and so on.
What are the causes?
First, there are reasons that are exactly the same as for the sexual desire reduction in women. First of all: there is depression. It is the most frequent cause. Also long-term diseases tend to have an impact on libido. Tiredness also plays an important role, like when the work toll increases. Burnout also has an effect on a couple’s intimacy. A sex therapist would even say that professional failure affects men more than women because masculinity is still very widely associated with social and professional success. In general, stress is the number one enemy of sexuality.
Women often think that if a man no longer has desire for them, it is because he doesn’t love them anymore or because he is unfaithful …
Yes, they are the first causes mentioned during consultations. It can happen, of course, but it is not systematic. Yet, women sometimes have difficulty in thinking that their spouse doesn’t only have no more desire for them, but also for all women. The sexuality of men is not mechanical; they can have feelings, but no more desire. Facing this lack of desire, some women will feel guilty (worrying they are not good enough, don’t deserve to be desired), others will be immediately aggressive. But, the criticism is going to cause a withdrawal. Even if the man makes an effort, he is going to feel forced and in doing so, the reduction in desire will increase.
What is the best attitude to adopt then?
It is necessary to take your time, and not to rush things to avoid clumsiness. When you notice his lack of desire, wait for a few weeks to see how things evolve. It could be a temporary reduction, which is nothing disturbing, particularly in people who have been together for a long time. It is necessary to accept these occasional desire fluctuations that can be explained, among others, by a professional or family concern. If it continues, express your feelings, by saying, for example, “I have the impression that you have less desire for me , have you got any idea about what is happening?” Favour open questions to encourage dialogue. No criticism nor interpretations of facts. Let him express himself. If there is a real obstacle, and if things don’t evolve, you will need a mediator. It can then be useful to consult a counsellor or a sex therapist to overcome the difficulties and turn this corner.
Fabienne BROUCARET
