Expert opinion: “Difference in age makes stronger unions”

Today, is there really a higher tolerance for couples where the woman is significantly younger or older than her partner?

Maryse Vaillant: The society has become more understanding and less hostile to anything out of social and personal standards. Homosexuality, interracial couples and age gaps are better accepted by the majority, but in certain conditions – for men and women of different generations to live together, it is better to not too openly flaunt their love in public, and not behave like teenagers in the street… To be socially accepted, it is better to blend in with the masses. Of course, there will always be curious glances, those who will peer and stare, but it does not go any further if they do not put forward their “difference”. We would say that it may be better tolerated than actually accepted, but we are essentially on the right track…

Why would a mature woman fall for a man who is young enough to be her son?

She seeks a man to “build”, without even knowing it, she is a creator. Through her love for him, this woman gives her younger partner the means to discover and mould himself, without being a surrogate mother; otherwise the relationship does not last. These women also love much younger men for their potential and their sexual vitality. This reassures them about their femininity and their ability to seduce. We observe that they often form very strong couples that last for a long time. Contrary to popular belief, the younger man does not necessarily go elsewhere once his wife ages and the generation gap is even more visible.

What makes a woman fall for a man who could be her father?

These young women have maintained a childhood “pattern” that leads them to get attached to a man of their father’s generation – they idealise this man in the same way they idealise their  father, who was “the man of their life” during childhood. Theoretically, growing up, is to free oneself from the ideal, superhero representation of their father, but some fail to do so! Again, we can see that these unions are very strong, each being extremely attentive to the welfare of the other. As for the man, even if he really loves his young companion, it remains unconsciously a “trophy”, a fantastical way to wake his libido, and to fight against his fear of ageing, and fear of death. Admittedly, this can be quite effective!

Is the question of having a child therefore crucial for these trans-generational couples?

After a few years of living together, the young man has matured and the question arises almost automatically: is his desire for paternity strong enough for him to decide to leave his wife, who in most cases is no longer of childbearing age, for which he would like a woman of his generation? Well, many of these men renounce paternity because it is not their priority. Their priority is their relationship and their love to their wives. In the case where the woman is much younger, she may ask a child of her older companion. Generally, he already has children from a previous union. Again, if he does not want to expand his family, we observe that the woman chooses her husband over motherhood.

After a few years together, do these couples separate more than others?

Contrary to popular belief, they are much more stable, more peaceful and last longer than many others. Probably because they are complementary partners who are not in rivalry and are not mirrors to others. They are rarely in the merger and symbiosis stages, as are couples of the same age. In general, they are adults who are extremely forgiving and understanding of each other. This is an asset to the longevity of a couple.

Maryse Vaillant is Psychologist and author of Comment aiment les femmes (“How to love women”) (Points / Psychology).

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